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[personal profile] last01standing
Title: Strange Happenings
Rating: PG-13 (for sex talk)
Pairing: ML (but there’s actually no Max in this fic. Just Logan and Lydecker.)
Warnings: Very, very silly
Summary: When Lydecker called up out of the blue Logan was expecting an apocalypse or at very least a trap. Nothing like this.
Author’s note: I seem to be writing a lot of crack!fic lately. The epic Harry Potter Parody, The Grapefruit Chronicles and now this.

Strange Happenings

He wasn’t expecting this.

When Lydecker (previously presumed dead) called up out of the blue Logan was expecting an apocalypse or at very least a trap. This was different. This made dog people, breeding cults and alien abductions almost seem plausible.

(Eyes Only had investigated an alien abduction once, turned out it was a bad cover for a mob hit. Logan had been oddly disappointed. But that was beside the point.)

The point is Logan Cale’s life was by no means normal. He dealt with the weird like it was normal, mundane. Just this morning, he babysat batgirl’s kid while so she could go on a date with Sketchy (Sketchy), preformed a cable hack to expose the city’s largest crime syndicate and fended off three separate transgenic females in heat.

Sitting across from a very much alive Donald Lydecker, Logan decided that this was stranger. Much stranger. It completely threw him off his game. And Logan prided himself on his unflappability.

“Excuse me?” he says finally.

“What are your intentions with regards to Max?”

“I don’t understand,” Logan said. “You said you wanted to discuss something important.”

“We are discussing something important,” Lydecker said. “What are your intentions towards Max?”

What he joking? (Did Lydecker ever joke? Logan could imagine him as a deadly serious toddler.)

“Are you joking?”

“Do I look like I’m joking?”

“How am I supposed to know?” Logan asked. “I’ve barely ever seen you smile.”

“I’m not joking,” Lydecker said, still deadly serious. “I heard your virus was cured and I wanted to ensure she was in good hands.”

“How the hell did you know that?” Logan snapped. “No one knows that yet. We wanted a few days before we became town gossip. We didn’t even tell Alec.”

“I’m Donald Lydecker,” said Lydecker. “It’s my business to know things like that. White probably already knows too.”

“Am I dreaming?”

“Probably not,” Lydecker said. “So, these ‘few days’ you and Max wanted to yourself, what are your plans?”

“What?” Logan said. Was it hot in here? He was starting to get claustrophobic.

“You said you wanted a few days before there was gossip. What are your intentions?”

“Dinner,” Logan said. “Pasta probably. And a movie. I was thinking maybe Shaun of the Dead. Romance, horror, humor, zombies.” He broke off, suddenly remembering that Lydecker was, until about three hours ago, presumed dead. “You broke cover, came out of hiding, in order to ask me what me and Max were doing for the night?”

“Dinner sounds lovely,” Lydecker said. “Will there be touching?”

This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t actually be happening. This defied every single one of the fragile certainties Logan still had in his life.

“Of course there’ll be touching,” Logan said. (Was his face going red? What was he, seventeen?) “After two and a half years of no touching, we’re well past due for touching.”

Lydecker raised a finger. “And by touching you mean sex?”

“Are we really having this conversation?”

“Just answer the question son.”

Oh, what he wouldn’t give for a crisis right now, something so big that it would require his undivided, immediate attention. Or even Zack. Zack was good at interrupting awkward situations and Zack would probably want to kill Lydecker. No, wait, Zack was Adam now and Adam was programmed to kill Eyes Only. (Alec owed him a favor. He wondered if he would kill Lydecker for him.)

“Yes,” Logan said. “If all things go well, yes.”

If not, the unresolved sexual tension would probably kill him and seriously, now that the virus was gone, the last thing he needed was another deadly Max-related problem.

“Ah,” said Lydecker. “So, when’s the wedding?”

“What?” Logan spat. (It was definitely getting hotter in here. He could feel it now. Up ten degrees in ten seconds.) “Wedding?”

“You do intend to make an honest woman out of my Maxie, don’t you son? I won’t stand for this sort of behavior out of wedlock.”

He was dreaming. (Or possibly high. Sketchy had tried to sneak him mushrooms on more than one occasion and that would explain everything.) “Maybe,” Logan stammered. “Eventually.”

“Good to hear,” Lydecker said. “I will expect an invitation when the time comes.”

“Max hates you,” Logan sputtered. “It’s the whole tortured youth thing. Manticore was hell.”

(No, dammit, I will not invite you to the wedding should one occur in the near future.)

“She’s still one of my kids,” Lydecker said, straightening up. “I good as raised her.”

“This parental attitude you have is warped,” Logan said. “You’re sick and twisted.”

“But she’s still one of my kids,” repeated Lydecker. “You don’t understand.”

“I’m not sure I want to,” Logan said. He drummed his fingers against his leg (he couldn’t feel it, hardly recognized the tick’s existence.)

“Do you love her?” Lydecker asked.

Despite his surprise, the answer was quick, sincere and immediate. “More than anything.”

Lydecker gave him a gentle smile. “Then you have nothing to worry about.” He stood up and grabbed his jacket. “I’ll be around. Should any trouble arise, you’ll be the first one I contact.”

“Wait,” Logan said, “That’s it? I thought we were in some sort of danger. You just wanted to ask about me and Max?”

“I need to know she’s safe,” Lydecker said gruffly. He moved towards the door.

“Unbelievable,” Logan muttered.

Lydecker paused at the door and looked back towards the still baffled Logan. “Cale,” he said.

“I’m listening.”

“If you hurt her, I will kill you.”


(no subject)

13/8/07 02:41 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
XDD crackfic makes my life XDD
ahhhh Lydecker, in the end, is just another overprotective parent.
...well, not exactly, maybe... haha :P

(no subject)

5/9/07 22:24 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
I keep trying to tell people this: Lydecker can totally be used for hilarity. You can even keep him in character! It's crazy whacky fun!

(sorry for being so late in replying: just moved into college)

(no subject)

13/8/07 03:09 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
Excellent! Of course Lydecker would come out of hiding to make sure Logan made "an honest women" of Max.:-D Very good Logan voice as well.

(Alec owed him a favor. He wondered if he would kill Lydecker for him.) *giggles*

(no subject)

5/9/07 22:25 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
Hee! Glad you liked this. I for one, got a kick out of it. =)

(no subject)

14/8/07 06:10 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
my god, i love your stories.

(no subject)

5/9/07 22:26 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
(is it totally a bad thing that I'm thinking about writing a story where a very very drunk Lydecer and a equally drunk White start trying to outbadguy each other, because I've been in the mood for crack lately...)

thanks for reading!

(no subject)

25/5/09 12:17 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
No, this would not be bad at all. In fact, very good :-) I'm 2 years behind, is there one I should look for? ;-)

This was awesome. Lydecker is warped. I love that you can have perfectly in character crack!fic with him.

(no subject)

4/6/09 15:43 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
...Yes it´s, let´s see it´s right here;

Guys in Bars