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last01standingTitle- Harry and the Life Eaters
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spastic_visions and pyro_wizzard
Rating- pg-13 (violence, death and potty languege)
Summary- Post HBP. Not DH compatable. Featuring, zombies, horcruxes, death eaters, life eaters, the first annual interhouse exchange program, and of course, Harry Potter: High School Dropout. A HP parody of slightly less than epic proportions
Disclaimer- Neither of us are JKR.
1-4 | 5-8 | 9-12
Chapter the Ninth
“I think You-Know-Who’s mad at you,” Ron said numbly. “A howler, public humiliation. That’s about as low as you can get.”
Harry stared at the smoldering ashes. “He just made it personal.”
Hermione raised an eyebrow. “He’s killed your parents, your godfather and your mentor and only just now it’s personal?”
“I hope he got his tea,” Draco said. “Good help is so hard to find these days.”
“Harry,” Ginny tried sheepishly. “Is there any way we could maybe, you know, initiate the plot sequence without destroying Hogwarts in the process? I’d rather like to still have a school next year.”
Harry hesitated. His all consuming love for his beloved fiery red-head made him pause to consider this, but eventually he decided to do something so completely and utterly shocking that it would make Voldemort’s head spin. “Guys,” he said conspiratorially. “We’ve got to initiate the final plot sequence.”
Ron gasped. “Gasp!” said Ron. “But it’s almost five months too early!”
“Desperate times,” Harry said. “Quick! To the Room of Requirement! Away!”
_______________________________________________________________________________
They crossed the hallway to the Room of Requirement burning with the intense desire to find all remaining pieces of Voldemort’s fractured soul. It took longer than it should have since Ron was also wishing for a pony, but eventually the doorframe reappeared. Emblazoned on the doorframe were the words: Dios ex machina. Hermione mouthed the words to herself and smiled. “This is most definitely a good sign.”
The inside of the room was plain save the five short pillars standing in a line against the far wall. Harry approached the first pillar to find a small white note card standing on it. The card read: Voldemort’s soul part one—Tom Riddle’s diary has already been destroyed. Harry smiled and moved to the second pillar to find a card reading: Voldemort’s soul part two—Voldemort’s pet snake has already been destroyed.
Ron approached the middle pillar, grasping its content with a maniac grin. “It’s a necklace!” he said, laughing. “Hey, ‘Mione! I’ve got Voldemort’s soul in my hands right now.”
Harry glanced over to him. “Technically, it’s only one seventh of his soul. Last year, Dumbledore gave me the horcrux exposition talk. He said he’d destroyed some sort of ring and we’ve killed the snake and the diary.”
“This ever strike you as sort of girly,” Ron asked, twirling the necklace in his hands. “I mean, look at where he puts his soul, a ring, a diary, a female snake, a necklace…”
“Dumbledore called it Slytherin’s locked,” Harry offered.
“See what I’m saying!” Ron continued. “His whole evil, destroy the world act is obviously compensating for something. What a pansy.”
“For the last to horcruxes, Dumbledore reckoned it’d be something from the other founders.”
“Can I smash the locket?” Ron pleaded. “Please, Harry! I haven’t had a serious plot point since book one and it’ll make me feel useful! I might even get over my inferiority complex!”
“Ron,” Hermione scolded. “Just shut up and smash the damn necklace.”
“Score!” Ron exclaimed, tossed the necklace on the ground and stomped on it. Yes, it was that easy. Ron was a big guy and the necklace was old. Get over it. “Right, fantastic. What next?”
Harry stared at the remaining pillar. It was the only one still holding an actual horcrux. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.”
“It might be Hufflepuff’s,” Hermione suggested. “I mean you can’t always find a ring or a locket.”
“It’s a jar,” Ron said.
It was a jar. An ordinary, quart sized jar. It was neatly labeled with masking tape and black in reading: Voldemort’s Soul Part Six.
“Holy shit!” Ron exclaimed. “It’s a bloody soul in a jar!”
“Technically,” Hermione reminded him, “it’s only one seventh of a soul in a jar.”
“That’s one seventh of Voldemort’s soul in a jar!” shouted Ron in excitement. “Can I smash it? Please, can I smash it?”
“Wait,” said Hermione. “Something’s wrong. There are only five pillars. Aren’t there six horcruxes?” There was a loud smash as Ron shattered the jar. “We’ve only destroyed five. We’re missing a part. We’re missing part five of Voldemort’s soul.”
Ron shrugged. “We need something for the plot of the next few chapters. We can’t get everything now, can we. C’mon, use your head.”
“I dunno,” Harry said. “pyro_wizzard really want to finish before the real book seven.”
“Whatever,” Ron said. “I say we sneak off to Hogsmeade and get drunk in celebration! Who’s with me?”
“Well,” Hermione said, “maybe some butterbeer…We do have classes in the morning.”
“Brilliant!” exclaimed Ron. “How ‘bout you, Harry? You up for it?”
“You two go ahead,” Harry said. “I’ll catch up. There’s got to be something we’re missing here.”
“Fine,” said Ron. “Be careful. Try not to die again!”
He opened the door. A flock of Slytherins sprinted by. Ron stared after them in surprise. “Blimey, wonder what’s go into them?”
As he said that, Neville Longbottom came jogging down the hall. He’d filled out noticeably since the last time Ron had seen him, shoulders broadening, chest picking up some definition “Nev!” Ron cried. “I haven’t seen you in ages! How’s the inner house exchange program?”
“Going good,” Neville said. “I think I’ve grown as a person.”
“Hey, Rambo!” a Hufflepuff 3rd year called as the passed.
“Rambo?” Hermione asked.
Neville shrugged. “No idea what it meas. I think it’s a muggle thing, like Dean and his football, you know?”
“Nev,” Hermione asked. “Why’ve you got a big stick?”
He looked down at the offending object as if surprised to find it in his hands. “This? Oh, well do you guys remember, way back in chapter five when a mob of Slytherins were chasing me with torches and pitchforks?” He waited until Ron nodded in acknowledgement before hefting the big stick over his shoulder and smiling brightly. “This is payback. Did you happen to see them pass through?”
Wordlessly, Hermione pointed down the hallway.
“Thanks a load,” said Neville. “Brilliant to see you two!”
He jogged off down the hall.
Ron and Hermione exchanged a glance and shrugged. “Inner-house exchange program.”
_______________________________________________________________________________
Ron and Hermione were making out in a corner of the three broomsticks, butter beer abandoned in favor of face sucking. “Blimey,” said Ron between smooches. “Why didn’t we start doing this years ago?”
“You may have not noticed,” Hermione answered. “but you were kinda a prick a few years ago.”
“Oh yeah,” Ron said. “Sorry about that.”
“I get the feeling we’re approaching the climax of the story,” Hermione said coyly. “Maybe we should, I dunno, get a room for tonight?”
Ron who was sure they still had a good five months before the climax of the story was not about to pass up an opportunity like that one. “Check!” he screamed. “Check NOW! Oh bugger it,” he said, throwing a few sickles down on the table. “Let’s go!”
Giggling, Hermione took his hand and allowed him to lead her out into Hogsmeade where they ran straight into Harry. Hermione instantly went to his side, touching his hand tentatively thoroughly confusing all shippers. “Harry,” she said, “Harry. What’sa matter.”
Harry started listlessly down the street. “I figured it out,” he said. “The last horcrux. I figured it out.” He turned to look at his friends. “It’s me. It’s what he did to me when he gave me this scar. I’m the last horacrux.”
“But, Harry, that’s absurd,” protested Hermione. “It’s one thing to force your soul on a snake. They were practically made for evil deeds, but a living, breathing, sentient human being already equipped with a soul? That’s impossible, ridiculous. It’s like saying ‘oh! There was just a drive by shooting in Hogsmeade!’ It would never happen!”
Only, as soon as she said that, a truck’s engine revved and roaring down the main street of Hogsmeade came a dirty pick-up with a couple of hillbillies whooping in the back.
“Are those muggles?” Ron asked, peering towards them. “What kind of sticks have they got?”
“You have got to be kidding me,” Hermione said. “You have got to be fuc—”
The first shot shattered the window of the Three Broomsticks sending every witch and wizard inside to a panic. The second shot careened off a lamp post and impaled itself into the wooden post office sign.
“Get down!” Hermione screamed.
The third shot, rather predictably found Harry’s forehead, smashing a hole clear through to the other side.
(end chapter)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Dear Pyro,
If you will, initiate the plot sequence.
-spastic_visions
_______________________________________________________________________________
Chapter the Tenth
“Wow,” Harry said, rubbing his forehead. “That was a near miss.
Hermione looked up at him from where she was crouching next to Ron. “But I thought that hit you dead on!”
“Like I said, a near miss.”
Ron and Hermione stood up, carefully brushing pieces of glass and brick from their robes.
“What the hell just happened?” Ron exclaimed. “What did those muggles do?!”
He looked down the road where a trail of dust still hung in the air. As Hermione began explaining to Ron the mechanics of a ‘gun’ and a ‘drive by shooting,’ Harry warily looked at the severe damage done to the magical storefronts around them.
“Hey, Hermione,” Harry said suddenly.
Hermione cut off her explanations to Ron and turned towards Harry. “What’s wrong?”
“Shouldn’t the stores be shielded from gunfire? I mean they are magically protected, right?”
Hermione glanced around at the stores where the owners had already begun magical repairs. “Well,” she said slowly, “ I suppose so, but many wizards and witches have never even heard of guns so they probably weren’t prepared for something like this. After all, Hogsmeade is supposed to be undetectable by muggles, just like Hogwarts is.”
Harry’s expression turned grim. “I don’t like this! Someone could have been killed!” Hermione and Ron rolled their eyes. “Something is very wrong here.”
“Yeah,” Ron added. “How did a bunch of American hillbillies get into England?”
Harry looked pensively down the store-lined lane before turning to Hermione. “Hermione, you passed your apparition test, right?”
“Well, yes, but…”
“No, listen. I need you to apparate to Hogwarts and tell Dumbledore what’s happened here.”
Hermione gave him an exasperated look. “Harry, how many times do I have to tell you, you can not apparate on school grounds!”
Just as she finished saying that, there was a loud pop and suddenly a vaguely flustered zombie!Sirius was standing in front of them, busily reattaching his finger with spell-o-tape.
“Oh,” Hermione said sheepishly. “All right then.”
With a pop, she disappeared.
“Harry!” zombie!Sirius said. “Thank goodness you’re all right!”
“Sirius!” Harry ran over to his deceased godfather. “I think something bad is going on. Voldemort might be trying to attack Hogwarts!”
Zombie!Sirius fixed him with a serious stare. “Don’t be ridiculous, Harry. This was just a random act of violence, probably caused by gang warfare. It has nothing to do with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the great and all powerful Dark Lord. Now, why don’t you and your little friend come back with me to my office and we’ll have a nice little chat.”
Harry smiled and nodded, waving for Ron to join them.
“Come on, Ron!” Harry called. “Let’s go!”
“I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, Harry,” Ron said.
Zombie!Sirius smiled. “I’ve got a nice, big bowl of candy there for you!”
Ron beamed. “All right!”
He stood on Zombie!Sirius’s other side. “Okay, kids. Just hold onto me and on the count of three, we’ll apparate!” Harry and Ron both nodded. “Excellent! One... two… three!”
They all disappeared with a loud crack.
_______________________________________________________________________________
In the castle, Hermione raced up the stairs to Dumbledore’s office and burst in.
“Professor!” She skidded to a halt in front of Zombie!Dumbledore’s desk where he was sitting, reading over a sheet of parchment.
“Professor Dumbledore! Harry sent me to tell you that he thinks that You-Know-Who is trying to take over Hogwarts and although we haven’t seen You-Know-Who or any Death Eaters, I do think there is something strange going on. All the spells around the castle are gone!” She stopped, panting.
Zombie!Dumbledore didn’t look up from his parchment. Hermione took a hesitant step forward. “Professor?”
And oily voice suddenly floated out of the darkness from behind her. “Don’t bother. He can’t help you now.”
Hermione whipped around to find…
“Professor Snape! What’s going—”
“Oh, shut up you stupid girl. Even after all the work we’ve done on Inferi, you still couldn’t tell that I was the Inferi master all along. How disappointing.”
Hermione stared at him, wide-eyed.
“But, but why?” she asked breathlessly.
“Why do you think?” he snarled, pulling out his wand. He pointed it at Hermione and began muttering a spell. But, before he could finish, she disapparated with a crack.
_______________________________________________________________________________
In Sirius’s classroom, they landed so hard that Ron and Harry both overbalanced and fell down on either side of zombie!Sirius.
“So,” Harry asked, jumping straight to his feet, “even if the shooting wasn’t caused by Voldemort, it’s still strange that there were muggles in Hogsmeade, right? What do you think is going on?”
zombie!Sirius who had taken a few steps forward, suddenly whipped around and pointed his wand at Harry. “I’m sorry, Harry, but you’re right. You’re always spot on in your guesses. Well done indeed.” Harry recoiled in surprise. “The Dark Lord is coming to Hogwarts and when he arrives, he will personally kill you!”
There was a tense moment as Harry stared, unbelieving at his once living godfather.
“But—but then you’re a…”
“Yes, Harry. This may come as a shock, but I am an Inferi.”
Ron snorted and rolled his eyes, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like duh.
Harry fell to his knees. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
“Yes, Harry, I am one of the legions of the undead who are massing around Hogwarts as we speak.” He flourished his wand and the walls took on a shimmery gray appearance. “Now I must go and join my fellow Inferi as we take over Hogwarts, feast on the flesh of its students and prepare for the coming of the Dark Lord.”
And with that, he vanished.
For a moment there was dead silence in the room as Ron and Harry stared at the spot where Sirius had vanished.
“I just can’t believe…” Harry began.
“Oh, come on,” Ron cut in. “Don’t even say that you didn’t know he was a zombie. Even I knew that and I’m supposed to be the dumb one! Now get off your hero ass and get us out of this room!”
Harry stared at Ron, slack jawed. “Well, what am I supposed to do?”
“We still have our wands,” Ron said reflectively, pulling his out. “Maybe we can blast out way out.”
“Harry looked around the small classroom. “I don’t think so. It looks like a simple protego charm on the walls, but I can’t think of a way to get around it.” He crossed over to the door and poked it with his wand.
“Well, we have to do something!” Ron exclaimed. “We can’t just sit here twiddling out thumbs while the Death Eaters take over Hogwarts. Hermione’s out there, Harry! She could die! I’ve been waiting six years for that shag, mate!”
“Ron, calm down. We’ll figure this out.”
Harry turned to face his friend. Ron’s face was almost as red as his hair and he held his wand tightly.
“Everyone always thinks you’re the hero, but you can’t see anyone’s problems but your own! I’m going to find Hermione and Ginny and get them out of Hogwarts before Voldemort kills them!”
“Ron, no!” Harry shouted.
But it was too late, Ron shouted, “Reducto!”
Harry pushed Ron to the ground as the spell rebounded off the enchanted wall and returned to where Ron had been standing, a space Harry now occupied.
It slammed into Harry, reducing him to a fine red mist in an instant. All that was left was his glasses and a few splintered shards of wood that used to be his wand.
“Harry.” Ron stared at the glasses in disbelief. “Oh, shit.”
_______________________________________________________________________________
Dear Readers,
We apologize for the brief hiatus. We paused to read book seven. Just so you know, this story was planned out well in advance to the seventh book. Any resemblances or dissimilarities between the parody and the real book seven are completely coincidental.
Also, yes, Harry is dead. Totally dead and is not coming back.
-pyro_wizzard
_______________________________________________________________________________
Dear Readers,
Hey, Pyro killed him, not me.
-spastic_visions's management rather than Pyro’s. Which meant they were fresh out of miracles.
Sucked for Ron…
“Come back!” Ron pleaded. “I’ll give you a chocolate frog! Or an Every Flavor Bean! The good flavor. You have dibs on the grass!”
Harry’s glasses, not behind sentient, did not reply.
Ron let out a very manly scream!of!anguish! Asides from being very tragic, this also attracted zombie!Sirius who found angst to be nearly as good a sustenance as brains. “Dearest Ronald.” As if to punctuate the point, one of his eyes popped out. “Whatever is the matter?”
“S’Harry,” Ron choked as the single manly tear of emo rolled down his cheek. “I didn’t mean to . It was an accident.”
“Of course it was, my dear boy,” zombie!Sirius said. “But it is a tragedy that can be remedied.”
The creepiness of the zombie professor’s with the missing eye suddenly became secondary to the Loophole. Ron wiped the single manly tear of emo from his cheek. “I’m listening.”
“It’s Voldemort, my dear boy,” zombie!Sirius explained, green, rotten face stretching into a parody of a grin. “Voldemort is the greatest wizard of all. He can take death and turn it back into something beautiful, full of vitality. All you have to do is allow him access to Hogwarts. There is magic in this place. Voldemort will not enter the grounds without a student’s invitation.”
Ron stared into zombie!Sirius’s single eye. “Where do I go?”
_______________________________________________________________________________
The Life Eaters were in the Forbidden Forest. Even though school administration had told them for years that the Forbidden Forest was strictly forbidden, there were approximately 27 students also in the forest.
Ron Weasley marched stoically into the forest, twisted remnants of Harry’s glasses in the pocket of his robes. Behind him, zombie!Sirius made sure to keep him moving.
Not thirty yards into the Forest, Voldemort approached him. Ron stood his ground. “Ronald Weasley,” Voldemort hissed, “destroyer of three parts of my soul. What brings you walking so boldly into my presence? How can you possibly expect to escape with your life? Harry Potter’s best friend…”
“Harry’s dead,” Ron said, tossing the broken glasses before him. “I-I-it was my fault. In the…” He started to cry. “
Zombie!Sirius’s hand rubbed his back soothingly. It would have been a comfort if the finger nails had stayed attached. “That’s it. Let it all out, son.”
“Don’t listed to him Ron! He’s dead! What does he know!”
“Who the hell are you?” Ron asked.
The boy in question was a tiny blond third year with a light smattering of freckles under dark brown eyes. “Kevin Whitby!” proclaimed Kevin Whitby. “Last one sorted in book four!”
“What the hell are you doing here?” Ron asked. “I though you were a Hufflepuff.”
“C’mon Ron, everyone hands out here. Or at least, all the cool kids do . We party with the centaurs and the giant spiders. It’s a good time.” The Life Eater holding him shook him roughly. “Or at least it was a good time until these bozos crashed the party.”
“They are Life Eaters,” Voldemort bellowed, extending a long bony finger towards Kevin Whitby. “Not bozos! Life Eaters! Get it right!”
“Bozos,” Kevin Whitby repeated.
“DIE INFIDEL!” Voldemort screamed and Kevin Whitby collapsed to the ground. Which was troubling considering Voldemort hadn’t even cast a spell. He turned back to Ron with a self satisfied smirk. “Now tell me dear Ronald, why you should not share his fate.”
“‘Cause I can get you into Hogwarts,” Ron said. “All you have to do for me is bring Harry back.”
“Can he be a minion?” Voldemort asked gleefully. “I’ve always loved making minions out of my best enemies. The irony makes me squee.”
“What’s squee?”
“SILENCE INFIDEL!” Voldemort bellowed. “Answer the question put to you and do not attempt to weasel your way out of it!”
“Fine,” Ron said. “He can be a minion. I don’t care. Just make him not be dead.”
“First, tell me how to get into Hogwarts!”
“Oh,” Ron said. “You can apparate. All the wards are down. I thought you guys already knew that.”
“Apparate?” Voldemort said thoughtfully. “Genius! Think of how dramatic that will be! Life Eaters apparating onto Hogwarts grounds—a feat that has not been accomplished in thousands of years.”
“Actually,” Ron said. “Me, Hermione and Harry did it about—” He broke off as he was hit by the angst. Harry was dead. Again. But for real this time. Dead as a doornail and getting deader…
Voldemort nodded towards his Life Eater legions and his zombie legions. “Legions!” he bellowed. “Attack Hogwarts! Commit vile atrocities and tragically kill at least twenty first years!”
He nodded back towards zombie!Sirius and Ron “Sirius, you have my permission to eat the boy’s brains.”
“But Harry!” Ron screamed. “You promised me you would bring back Harry if I told you the way into Hogwarts!”
“First of all,” said Voldemort, “ I am the evilest wizard in history. I kill muggles and eat babies for fun. Why is it so shocking that I would lie to you? Secondly, your intel would have become painfully obvious shortly. It was so crappy, it would hardly merit my resurrecting your goldfish, much less a human being. Finally, we never shook on it.” He folded his arms across his chest and stuck out his snake-like tongue. “So there! Now, I must go! I have a castle full of children I need to annihilate!”
With a magical swish of his cape, he apparated along with the majority of his legions.
“All right,” Ron said. “I’ll admit it. That looked pretty impressive.”
“Brains!!” zombie!Sirius moaned from behind him. “BRAINS!!!!”
“Shit!” Ron said. “Shit, shitty, shit, shit!”
“Brains!!!!”
Zombie!Sirius lurched forward. Ron wondered how Harry could have missed it. How he could look past the rotting, green skin, the decaying body, the vacant eyes (only one eye now and that was a tip off if Ron had ever seen one.) And then he remembered that Harry was dead and doubting the dead caused omg! The ANGST! And the WOE!! And Ron was momentarily crippled by it. Watching his dead best friend’s zombie godfather lurching toward him, he couldn’t summon a single spell to his mind, much less raise his wand.
Suddenly, someone jumped in front of him, shooting a blue flame at the zombie. Zombie!Sirius’s coat caught fire and he waved his arms wildly. “Fried brains!! BRAINS!!!”
Arms linked around both of Ron’s own, dragging him back, away from the zombie and into the forest. “C’mon Ron! Little help here! You’re heavy!”
Ron recognized the voice. The kind in from of him was Kevin Whitby, previously assumed dead. He flashed Ron a wide smile. “Come on, Weasley, not even Voldemort can kill with the power of his mind.”
“Who are you people?”
“Kevin Whitby,” Kevin Whitby said proudly. He gestured behind him to a girl with bright red hair and freckles and a rather bookish looking boy with frizzy brown hair and buck teeth. “This is Rita Beasley and Harmon Danger.”
Ron gave him a weird look .Whitby shrugged. “What? You think you three are the only people to ever save Hogwarts from certain doom? Come off it, loads of people have done it.”
“I’m dreaming,” Ron said faintly. “Harry’s dead and I’ve run into the Hufflepuff parallels of us and this is all a horrible, horrible dream.”
Whitby slapped him. It hurt. Ron glared. “Why couldn’t you just let me live in denial . I was much happier there.:
“Look,” Whitby said plainly. “Your friend’s dead and you screwed up big time. Now unless you get your act together, you’re going to go down in history as the person who let Armageddon happen. If we even have history after Voldemort’s done with us.:
“In other words,” said Beasley. “Get over it, pill yourself together and let’s go save the world.”
“Guys,” said Danger. “This might mot be the greatest idea. We’re just kids. Someone should really alert the ministry and, you know, the Order of the Phoenix.”
Ron gaped. “How do you know about—”
“Don’t ask,” Whitby said. “It’s a long story and we have an apocalypse on our hands.”
“Right,” Beasley said, drawing her wand with a grin. “Let’s kick some Life Eater ass.”
_______________________________________________________________________________
In Hogwarts, the breakfast crowd was chatting away happily when they heard an unearthly rumble. At first they thought it was just the owls coming in for morning post, but no owls came.
Then a single, black, clearly dead owl arched out of nowhere and into the Great Hall. Neville Longbottom stood up, took two steps forward, detached the note from its left leg, unfolded the parchment, cleared his throat and read it aloud.
“’Dear Puny Hogwarts Students, I, the Evil Lord Voldemort am coming to slaughter you all. Love, Tom “Voldemort” Riddle.’” Neville cleared his throat. “‘PS. Harry’s dead already which means I WIN!!! Bwahahahahaha!’” Neville lowered the letter grimly. “There are thirty three exclamation points.”
Everyone turned their gaze to zombie!Dumbledore sitting regally at the high table. He stood up, adjusted his robs, lost an ear and finally spoke. “My dearest students, esteemed colleagues and my friends. In the face of this terrible impending disaster, I have one thing to say and one thing only.” His eyes rolled back in their sockets, he extended his arms in front of him, stumbled forward and moaned, “BRAINS!!!”
There was a moment of complete silence.
Then the doors of the Great Hall burst open and out poured legions upon legions of zombies, Life Eaters and other nasty beasts.
All hell broke loose.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Dear Readers,
There is only one remaining chapter. I could cry. Except you know, me and Pyro nearly busted a rib writing the last chapter.
-spastic_visions
_______________________________________________________________________________
Dear Dedicated Readers,
We have written the final chapter together for optimum crazy. And we mean crazy. We first have to warn of several minor spoilers. So if you haven’t read the seventh book, what the hell are you doing reading this parody. Finish and then come back. Secondly, as always, we are indebted to JKR for the plot but also to Rambo and Evil Dead for… well you’ll see.
-pyro_wizzard
Chapter the Last
Life eaters and Inferi stormed the smoky hallways of Hogwarts. Green light flashed through the air. Little children were screaming. Older children were telling them to shut the fuck up and hide. Gryffindors raced through the hallway slinging spells in every direction. Ravenclaws raced through the hallways slinging dictionaries and unabridged Charles Dickens novels in every direction. Teachers raced through the hallway, just sort of kicking ass. Hufflepuffs and Slytherins were conspicuously absent.
One of the oncoming legions of doom paused long enough to announce: “Life eaters have come TO KILL YOU ALL!”
“Life eaters?” echoed a second year Ravenclaw. “I guess that makes more sense than death eaters, because logically, eating life would be much more terrifying but come on, a name change? This late in the series? With no PR release? That’s just absurd—”
“SILENCE INFIDEL!” boomed Voldemort.
“What the hell are you doing here,” asked Ginny. “I thought you never attacked until May! It’s the second week of school for Merlin’s sake.”
“DIE INFIDEL!” bellowed Voldemort and there was a green flash and Ginny was no more.
Yes, that means this shit just got real.
We really did just go there.
Ron burst into the great hall, Kevin Whitby on his tail. “GUYS RUN! VOLDEMORT’S COMING!”
One of the Life Eater, dragging a first year by the legs gave him a scathing look. “No shit, Sherlock.” He turned to his companion. “This one’s definitely not a Ravenclaw.”
They resumed mass murder. Seriously. Bloodbath. We really did just go there.
Kevin Whitby turned to Rita and Harmon his gender changed sidekicks, “we need the Hufflepuffs now! Where are our karate squadrons?! We need the nunchucks!!”
“Sharpening stakes in the common room!” Ron…we mean Rita shouted back over the noise of the battle.
“To the common room!” Kevin screamed and charged out of the hall.
Right then as it looked like hope was most definitely lost, Hermione Granger came into the hall. “Guys! I brought the grown ups! It’s all good! Harry can defeat the evil Dark Lord and then we can all go back to cramming for N.E.W.T.s”
A bloodstained Ravenclaw raced past. “What a nerd!”
Ron approached the frazzled Hermione. “How can you think of studying at a time like this. We’ve got six months until testing! Don’t you think there is a more important use of our time?”
“Not according to Hogwarts a History!” Hermione replied. “Sometimes they give N.E.W.T.s early, just to catch us off our guard. After Harry Kills Voldemort, there’s going to be tests. BIG IMPORTANT TESTS that could determine our very future. So-” she looked around. “Where is Harry? He needs to kill Voldemort fast so we can resume studying.”
“Oh,” Ron said. “about that. Harry’s dead. I kind of… uh… might have blown him up.”
“And he didn’t come back? That really is unusual!” She paused. “Wait a minute, YOU BLEW UP HARRY POTTER??”
“Maybe. A little.”
“How little?”
“Microscopic flecks of blood little?”
“RON YOU IDIOT!! MANKIND HOLDS NO HOPE ANYMORE!!”
Ron glanced to the raging battle. “Neville looks like he’s doing all right. So, where were you last chapter!”
“Oh wait! I forgot to give them the all clear.” She turned to look over her shoulder. “Any time you guys want to stem the slaughter of innocents is fine by me.”
Lupin, Moody, Fred, George and the rest of the order leapt through the doorway and started KICKING ASS!! Fred tripped over a body as a killing curse shot past his head. “Blimey!” said George. “That was close!”
“Come on George,” Fred said, dusting himself off. “They can’t kill us! We’re the Weasley twins.”
Right as he said that, Lupin got blasted in the stomach with a killing curse.
Zombie!Sirius looked up from his BRAINS!!! and screamed. “NOOOOOO!!!!!”
As Life Eaters stood gloating over Lupin’s body, he suddenly jumped up, slinging curses everywhere. “HA! NOT SILVER YOU BITCHES!!!”
After he’d dispatched all the looming Life Eaters, his eyes locked with Sirius’s across the room. “Sirius!” he cried. “OMG SIRIUS!!”
They ran to each other in slow motion, wind whipping through Sirius’s pimp daddy coat and Lupin’s smarmy facial hair respectively. They met in the middle of the hall and their mouths locked in a completely mind blowing spiny kiss right out of a romance movie. Or possibly Brokeback Mountain.
Zombie!Sirius pulled back and moaned. “BRAINS!!!!!!!!!!”
Lupin slapped him hard across his cheek causing his other eye to fall from its socket. “You WHORE!!! You come back from the dead AND DON’T EVEN CALL!! Did you find a lady Inferi friend? WHAT THE HELL!!!”
Tonks, staring at two of them muttered. “I was just about to ask the same thing.”
Suddenly, Sirius’s head fell into Lupin’s hands as a screaming Hufflepuff wielding a machete ran past. Lupin fell to his knees and screamed, “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Snape, lurking ominously in the shadows, directing zombie attacks with his wand said, “Oh shit. The Hufflepuff karate squadrons have arrived. I was afraid of this!!”
Ron saw Snape across the crowd. “OH MY GOD YOU’RE EVIL!!! I NEVER SUSPECTED ANYTHING. HOW ARE YOU SO GOOD AT DECIET!?”
Snape stared at him. “What? Really? You are the stupid one.”
Right as he said that, a piece of wood appeared in the middle of Snape’s chest. “LUPIN! I’VE ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!”
Zombie!Dumbledore, stared at Snape in shock. “YOU LYING WHORE!”
Snape then let out an unearthly wail and crumbled into dust, revealing Kevin Whitby holding his wand like a stake. “Well,” he said. “that was unexpected!”
Around the room, each and every zombie suddenly decomposed into dust and crumpled to the floor. Unfortunately, they were still outnumbered 27 to 1.
“Oh my God! Oh my GAWD!!” Hermione gasped, panicked. “You just staked a teacher!! You just staked a TEACHER!”
“Seriously!” wailed Her—er, we mean Harmon. “WE’RE GOING TO GET EXPELLED!”
Ron and Rita let out identical whoops of laughter. “That was freaking AWESOME!” And they high fived.
“Wait,” Ron said a second later. “Snape’s a vampire?”
“Was a vampire,” Kevin corrected.
Meanwhile, across the room, Neville, leading a Hufflepuff battalion whirled around to see Bellitrix Lestrange, who as more astute readers may remember is the reason Neville’s life sucked. She smirked and held up a toad.
“Trevor!” Neville whispered.
Bellitrix squeezed, slowly crushing the toad to grisly death.
Neville’s eyes went cold. “You tortured my parents, made me live with my crazy-ass grandma, threaten my friends and now, YOU KILLED MY TOAD. THAT’S IT BITCH. THIS. MEANS. WAR!!!!!!”
He tore off his robes to reveal a dirty black wife beater, camo pants, a bandolier of ammo crossing his heavily muscled chest. He slowly reached up and tied a strip of cloth around his forehead.
On of the Hufflepuffs behind him reverently whispered, “Rambo.”
Neville “Rambo” Longbottom, threw down his wand in favor of an old fashion M60 E4 machine gun and mowed the bitch down.
Voldemort stood in the middle of the hall, cackling and just generally killing everyone standing near him. Right as he set his sights on Fred Weasley and Remus Lupin, who, rather coincidentally were fighting back to back, Neville mowed him down with a burst of machine gun fire.
Voldemort’s bullet-ridden body crumpled, as if in slow motion to the floor and the hall went completely silent.
Neville blew the smoke for his gun. “Take that, motherfucker.”
The Life Eaters cowered before him.
“All right,” he said, smiling. “This is my boom stick. Who’s next?”
_______________________________________________________________________________
19 years later
Ron Weasley sat next to his wife Hermione Granger (what? She’s a modern woman.). They had two little kiddies. One was name Harry Potter Granger-Weasley and the other was named Walking War Memorial Granger-Weasley. Their kids, understandably, were both secretly plotting to become Dark Lords so they could kill their parents for this fact.
In fact, the only kid in worse shape than their kids was Scorpious Malfoy. We mean, WtF Rowling. For the sake of this parody, we will rename him Bob.
“Now,” said Ron. “You were named after my best friend who I accidentally blew up.”
“Nice one dad.” Harry Potter Granger-Weasley spat.
“Seriously,” said Walking War Memorial. “You were the stupid one of your group weren’t you?”
“Shut up. Anyway as I was saying, you were both named after those who gave their lives to create this glorious free wizarding world in which we live. If not for Harry and Dumbledore and…Snape for some reason, you would be living under Voldemort’s evil fascist Government. So, when you go to school make your birthrights proud of you, study hard, eat your vegetables, torture the Slytherins and never pick on the Hufflepuffs. Professor Longbottom, is one of the bravest people I know and the only person to hold the Defense Against the Dark Arts job over a year so don’t piss him off either. Just in general be good and always protect your freedom and those you love…or, you know, just want to shag.”
“Um, dear” Hermione tapped him on the shoulder. “They’ve already left.”
Ron looked around the empty station as the train let out a bellow of steam and began slowly moving foreword.
“oh.”
A burly security guard approached Hermione. “Are you ready to go yet minister?”
“Just one more minute.” Hermione and Ron stood silently watching the train pull away. A loud sniff behind them broke the silence.
“They grow up so fast.” Harry said solemnly.
“Harry! I thought you were dead!” Ron cried.
“Spfff, it’s a kids book Ron, seriously.” Harry laughed. “I was just putting my kid on the train. Ginny’s in the car sobbing.”
“Ginny’s dead!!!”
“No she’s not.”
“This epilogue sucks.”
(The end)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Dear Readers,
If you have finished. There is something wrong with you. Seriously, you're even worse than us. But thanks all the same. The world needs more crazy people. And to all the shippers out there, WE HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY. There was something for EVERYONE. And it cost poor Pyro a piece of her soul.
Love,
-pyro_wizzard and spastic_visions
PS. This entire thing, (all fifty plus pages) was written so that Neville could kill Voldemort with a machine gun. Yes, we are that strange.
Author-
spastic_visions and pyro_wizzardRating- pg-13 (violence, death and potty languege)
Summary- Post HBP. Not DH compatable. Featuring, zombies, horcruxes, death eaters, life eaters, the first annual interhouse exchange program, and of course, Harry Potter: High School Dropout. A HP parody of slightly less than epic proportions
Disclaimer- Neither of us are JKR.
1-4 | 5-8 | 9-12
“I think You-Know-Who’s mad at you,” Ron said numbly. “A howler, public humiliation. That’s about as low as you can get.”
Harry stared at the smoldering ashes. “He just made it personal.”
Hermione raised an eyebrow. “He’s killed your parents, your godfather and your mentor and only just now it’s personal?”
“I hope he got his tea,” Draco said. “Good help is so hard to find these days.”
“Harry,” Ginny tried sheepishly. “Is there any way we could maybe, you know, initiate the plot sequence without destroying Hogwarts in the process? I’d rather like to still have a school next year.”
Harry hesitated. His all consuming love for his beloved fiery red-head made him pause to consider this, but eventually he decided to do something so completely and utterly shocking that it would make Voldemort’s head spin. “Guys,” he said conspiratorially. “We’ve got to initiate the final plot sequence.”
Ron gasped. “Gasp!” said Ron. “But it’s almost five months too early!”
“Desperate times,” Harry said. “Quick! To the Room of Requirement! Away!”
They crossed the hallway to the Room of Requirement burning with the intense desire to find all remaining pieces of Voldemort’s fractured soul. It took longer than it should have since Ron was also wishing for a pony, but eventually the doorframe reappeared. Emblazoned on the doorframe were the words: Dios ex machina. Hermione mouthed the words to herself and smiled. “This is most definitely a good sign.”
The inside of the room was plain save the five short pillars standing in a line against the far wall. Harry approached the first pillar to find a small white note card standing on it. The card read: Voldemort’s soul part one—Tom Riddle’s diary has already been destroyed. Harry smiled and moved to the second pillar to find a card reading: Voldemort’s soul part two—Voldemort’s pet snake has already been destroyed.
Ron approached the middle pillar, grasping its content with a maniac grin. “It’s a necklace!” he said, laughing. “Hey, ‘Mione! I’ve got Voldemort’s soul in my hands right now.”
Harry glanced over to him. “Technically, it’s only one seventh of his soul. Last year, Dumbledore gave me the horcrux exposition talk. He said he’d destroyed some sort of ring and we’ve killed the snake and the diary.”
“This ever strike you as sort of girly,” Ron asked, twirling the necklace in his hands. “I mean, look at where he puts his soul, a ring, a diary, a female snake, a necklace…”
“Dumbledore called it Slytherin’s locked,” Harry offered.
“See what I’m saying!” Ron continued. “His whole evil, destroy the world act is obviously compensating for something. What a pansy.”
“For the last to horcruxes, Dumbledore reckoned it’d be something from the other founders.”
“Can I smash the locket?” Ron pleaded. “Please, Harry! I haven’t had a serious plot point since book one and it’ll make me feel useful! I might even get over my inferiority complex!”
“Ron,” Hermione scolded. “Just shut up and smash the damn necklace.”
“Score!” Ron exclaimed, tossed the necklace on the ground and stomped on it. Yes, it was that easy. Ron was a big guy and the necklace was old. Get over it. “Right, fantastic. What next?”
Harry stared at the remaining pillar. It was the only one still holding an actual horcrux. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.”
“It might be Hufflepuff’s,” Hermione suggested. “I mean you can’t always find a ring or a locket.”
“It’s a jar,” Ron said.
It was a jar. An ordinary, quart sized jar. It was neatly labeled with masking tape and black in reading: Voldemort’s Soul Part Six.
“Holy shit!” Ron exclaimed. “It’s a bloody soul in a jar!”
“Technically,” Hermione reminded him, “it’s only one seventh of a soul in a jar.”
“That’s one seventh of Voldemort’s soul in a jar!” shouted Ron in excitement. “Can I smash it? Please, can I smash it?”
“Wait,” said Hermione. “Something’s wrong. There are only five pillars. Aren’t there six horcruxes?” There was a loud smash as Ron shattered the jar. “We’ve only destroyed five. We’re missing a part. We’re missing part five of Voldemort’s soul.”
Ron shrugged. “We need something for the plot of the next few chapters. We can’t get everything now, can we. C’mon, use your head.”
“I dunno,” Harry said. “
pyro_wizzard really want to finish before the real book seven.”“Whatever,” Ron said. “I say we sneak off to Hogsmeade and get drunk in celebration! Who’s with me?”
“Well,” Hermione said, “maybe some butterbeer…We do have classes in the morning.”
“Brilliant!” exclaimed Ron. “How ‘bout you, Harry? You up for it?”
“You two go ahead,” Harry said. “I’ll catch up. There’s got to be something we’re missing here.”
“Fine,” said Ron. “Be careful. Try not to die again!”
He opened the door. A flock of Slytherins sprinted by. Ron stared after them in surprise. “Blimey, wonder what’s go into them?”
As he said that, Neville Longbottom came jogging down the hall. He’d filled out noticeably since the last time Ron had seen him, shoulders broadening, chest picking up some definition “Nev!” Ron cried. “I haven’t seen you in ages! How’s the inner house exchange program?”
“Going good,” Neville said. “I think I’ve grown as a person.”
“Hey, Rambo!” a Hufflepuff 3rd year called as the passed.
“Rambo?” Hermione asked.
Neville shrugged. “No idea what it meas. I think it’s a muggle thing, like Dean and his football, you know?”
“Nev,” Hermione asked. “Why’ve you got a big stick?”
He looked down at the offending object as if surprised to find it in his hands. “This? Oh, well do you guys remember, way back in chapter five when a mob of Slytherins were chasing me with torches and pitchforks?” He waited until Ron nodded in acknowledgement before hefting the big stick over his shoulder and smiling brightly. “This is payback. Did you happen to see them pass through?”
Wordlessly, Hermione pointed down the hallway.
“Thanks a load,” said Neville. “Brilliant to see you two!”
He jogged off down the hall.
Ron and Hermione exchanged a glance and shrugged. “Inner-house exchange program.”
Ron and Hermione were making out in a corner of the three broomsticks, butter beer abandoned in favor of face sucking. “Blimey,” said Ron between smooches. “Why didn’t we start doing this years ago?”
“You may have not noticed,” Hermione answered. “but you were kinda a prick a few years ago.”
“Oh yeah,” Ron said. “Sorry about that.”
“I get the feeling we’re approaching the climax of the story,” Hermione said coyly. “Maybe we should, I dunno, get a room for tonight?”
Ron who was sure they still had a good five months before the climax of the story was not about to pass up an opportunity like that one. “Check!” he screamed. “Check NOW! Oh bugger it,” he said, throwing a few sickles down on the table. “Let’s go!”
Giggling, Hermione took his hand and allowed him to lead her out into Hogsmeade where they ran straight into Harry. Hermione instantly went to his side, touching his hand tentatively thoroughly confusing all shippers. “Harry,” she said, “Harry. What’sa matter.”
Harry started listlessly down the street. “I figured it out,” he said. “The last horcrux. I figured it out.” He turned to look at his friends. “It’s me. It’s what he did to me when he gave me this scar. I’m the last horacrux.”
“But, Harry, that’s absurd,” protested Hermione. “It’s one thing to force your soul on a snake. They were practically made for evil deeds, but a living, breathing, sentient human being already equipped with a soul? That’s impossible, ridiculous. It’s like saying ‘oh! There was just a drive by shooting in Hogsmeade!’ It would never happen!”
Only, as soon as she said that, a truck’s engine revved and roaring down the main street of Hogsmeade came a dirty pick-up with a couple of hillbillies whooping in the back.
“Are those muggles?” Ron asked, peering towards them. “What kind of sticks have they got?”
“You have got to be kidding me,” Hermione said. “You have got to be fuc—”
The first shot shattered the window of the Three Broomsticks sending every witch and wizard inside to a panic. The second shot careened off a lamp post and impaled itself into the wooden post office sign.
“Get down!” Hermione screamed.
The third shot, rather predictably found Harry’s forehead, smashing a hole clear through to the other side.
(end chapter)
Dear Pyro,
If you will, initiate the plot sequence.
-
spastic_visions“Wow,” Harry said, rubbing his forehead. “That was a near miss.
Hermione looked up at him from where she was crouching next to Ron. “But I thought that hit you dead on!”
“Like I said, a near miss.”
Ron and Hermione stood up, carefully brushing pieces of glass and brick from their robes.
“What the hell just happened?” Ron exclaimed. “What did those muggles do?!”
He looked down the road where a trail of dust still hung in the air. As Hermione began explaining to Ron the mechanics of a ‘gun’ and a ‘drive by shooting,’ Harry warily looked at the severe damage done to the magical storefronts around them.
“Hey, Hermione,” Harry said suddenly.
Hermione cut off her explanations to Ron and turned towards Harry. “What’s wrong?”
“Shouldn’t the stores be shielded from gunfire? I mean they are magically protected, right?”
Hermione glanced around at the stores where the owners had already begun magical repairs. “Well,” she said slowly, “ I suppose so, but many wizards and witches have never even heard of guns so they probably weren’t prepared for something like this. After all, Hogsmeade is supposed to be undetectable by muggles, just like Hogwarts is.”
Harry’s expression turned grim. “I don’t like this! Someone could have been killed!” Hermione and Ron rolled their eyes. “Something is very wrong here.”
“Yeah,” Ron added. “How did a bunch of American hillbillies get into England?”
Harry looked pensively down the store-lined lane before turning to Hermione. “Hermione, you passed your apparition test, right?”
“Well, yes, but…”
“No, listen. I need you to apparate to Hogwarts and tell Dumbledore what’s happened here.”
Hermione gave him an exasperated look. “Harry, how many times do I have to tell you, you can not apparate on school grounds!”
Just as she finished saying that, there was a loud pop and suddenly a vaguely flustered zombie!Sirius was standing in front of them, busily reattaching his finger with spell-o-tape.
“Oh,” Hermione said sheepishly. “All right then.”
With a pop, she disappeared.
“Harry!” zombie!Sirius said. “Thank goodness you’re all right!”
“Sirius!” Harry ran over to his deceased godfather. “I think something bad is going on. Voldemort might be trying to attack Hogwarts!”
Zombie!Sirius fixed him with a serious stare. “Don’t be ridiculous, Harry. This was just a random act of violence, probably caused by gang warfare. It has nothing to do with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the great and all powerful Dark Lord. Now, why don’t you and your little friend come back with me to my office and we’ll have a nice little chat.”
Harry smiled and nodded, waving for Ron to join them.
“Come on, Ron!” Harry called. “Let’s go!”
“I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, Harry,” Ron said.
Zombie!Sirius smiled. “I’ve got a nice, big bowl of candy there for you!”
Ron beamed. “All right!”
He stood on Zombie!Sirius’s other side. “Okay, kids. Just hold onto me and on the count of three, we’ll apparate!” Harry and Ron both nodded. “Excellent! One... two… three!”
They all disappeared with a loud crack.
In the castle, Hermione raced up the stairs to Dumbledore’s office and burst in.
“Professor!” She skidded to a halt in front of Zombie!Dumbledore’s desk where he was sitting, reading over a sheet of parchment.
“Professor Dumbledore! Harry sent me to tell you that he thinks that You-Know-Who is trying to take over Hogwarts and although we haven’t seen You-Know-Who or any Death Eaters, I do think there is something strange going on. All the spells around the castle are gone!” She stopped, panting.
Zombie!Dumbledore didn’t look up from his parchment. Hermione took a hesitant step forward. “Professor?”
And oily voice suddenly floated out of the darkness from behind her. “Don’t bother. He can’t help you now.”
Hermione whipped around to find…
“Professor Snape! What’s going—”
“Oh, shut up you stupid girl. Even after all the work we’ve done on Inferi, you still couldn’t tell that I was the Inferi master all along. How disappointing.”
Hermione stared at him, wide-eyed.
“But, but why?” she asked breathlessly.
“Why do you think?” he snarled, pulling out his wand. He pointed it at Hermione and began muttering a spell. But, before he could finish, she disapparated with a crack.
In Sirius’s classroom, they landed so hard that Ron and Harry both overbalanced and fell down on either side of zombie!Sirius.
“So,” Harry asked, jumping straight to his feet, “even if the shooting wasn’t caused by Voldemort, it’s still strange that there were muggles in Hogsmeade, right? What do you think is going on?”
zombie!Sirius who had taken a few steps forward, suddenly whipped around and pointed his wand at Harry. “I’m sorry, Harry, but you’re right. You’re always spot on in your guesses. Well done indeed.” Harry recoiled in surprise. “The Dark Lord is coming to Hogwarts and when he arrives, he will personally kill you!”
There was a tense moment as Harry stared, unbelieving at his once living godfather.
“But—but then you’re a…”
“Yes, Harry. This may come as a shock, but I am an Inferi.”
Ron snorted and rolled his eyes, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like duh.
Harry fell to his knees. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
“Yes, Harry, I am one of the legions of the undead who are massing around Hogwarts as we speak.” He flourished his wand and the walls took on a shimmery gray appearance. “Now I must go and join my fellow Inferi as we take over Hogwarts, feast on the flesh of its students and prepare for the coming of the Dark Lord.”
And with that, he vanished.
For a moment there was dead silence in the room as Ron and Harry stared at the spot where Sirius had vanished.
“I just can’t believe…” Harry began.
“Oh, come on,” Ron cut in. “Don’t even say that you didn’t know he was a zombie. Even I knew that and I’m supposed to be the dumb one! Now get off your hero ass and get us out of this room!”
Harry stared at Ron, slack jawed. “Well, what am I supposed to do?”
“We still have our wands,” Ron said reflectively, pulling his out. “Maybe we can blast out way out.”
“Harry looked around the small classroom. “I don’t think so. It looks like a simple protego charm on the walls, but I can’t think of a way to get around it.” He crossed over to the door and poked it with his wand.
“Well, we have to do something!” Ron exclaimed. “We can’t just sit here twiddling out thumbs while the Death Eaters take over Hogwarts. Hermione’s out there, Harry! She could die! I’ve been waiting six years for that shag, mate!”
“Ron, calm down. We’ll figure this out.”
Harry turned to face his friend. Ron’s face was almost as red as his hair and he held his wand tightly.
“Everyone always thinks you’re the hero, but you can’t see anyone’s problems but your own! I’m going to find Hermione and Ginny and get them out of Hogwarts before Voldemort kills them!”
“Ron, no!” Harry shouted.
But it was too late, Ron shouted, “Reducto!”
Harry pushed Ron to the ground as the spell rebounded off the enchanted wall and returned to where Ron had been standing, a space Harry now occupied.
It slammed into Harry, reducing him to a fine red mist in an instant. All that was left was his glasses and a few splintered shards of wood that used to be his wand.
“Harry.” Ron stared at the glasses in disbelief. “Oh, shit.”
Dear Readers,
We apologize for the brief hiatus. We paused to read book seven. Just so you know, this story was planned out well in advance to the seventh book. Any resemblances or dissimilarities between the parody and the real book seven are completely coincidental.
Also, yes, Harry is dead. Totally dead and is not coming back.
-
pyro_wizzardDear Readers,
Hey, Pyro killed him, not me.
-
spastic_visions's management rather than Pyro’s. Which meant they were fresh out of miracles.Sucked for Ron…
“Come back!” Ron pleaded. “I’ll give you a chocolate frog! Or an Every Flavor Bean! The good flavor. You have dibs on the grass!”
Harry’s glasses, not behind sentient, did not reply.
Ron let out a very manly scream!of!anguish! Asides from being very tragic, this also attracted zombie!Sirius who found angst to be nearly as good a sustenance as brains. “Dearest Ronald.” As if to punctuate the point, one of his eyes popped out. “Whatever is the matter?”
“S’Harry,” Ron choked as the single manly tear of emo rolled down his cheek. “I didn’t mean to . It was an accident.”
“Of course it was, my dear boy,” zombie!Sirius said. “But it is a tragedy that can be remedied.”
The creepiness of the zombie professor’s with the missing eye suddenly became secondary to the Loophole. Ron wiped the single manly tear of emo from his cheek. “I’m listening.”
“It’s Voldemort, my dear boy,” zombie!Sirius explained, green, rotten face stretching into a parody of a grin. “Voldemort is the greatest wizard of all. He can take death and turn it back into something beautiful, full of vitality. All you have to do is allow him access to Hogwarts. There is magic in this place. Voldemort will not enter the grounds without a student’s invitation.”
Ron stared into zombie!Sirius’s single eye. “Where do I go?”
The Life Eaters were in the Forbidden Forest. Even though school administration had told them for years that the Forbidden Forest was strictly forbidden, there were approximately 27 students also in the forest.
Ron Weasley marched stoically into the forest, twisted remnants of Harry’s glasses in the pocket of his robes. Behind him, zombie!Sirius made sure to keep him moving.
Not thirty yards into the Forest, Voldemort approached him. Ron stood his ground. “Ronald Weasley,” Voldemort hissed, “destroyer of three parts of my soul. What brings you walking so boldly into my presence? How can you possibly expect to escape with your life? Harry Potter’s best friend…”
“Harry’s dead,” Ron said, tossing the broken glasses before him. “I-I-it was my fault. In the…” He started to cry. “
Zombie!Sirius’s hand rubbed his back soothingly. It would have been a comfort if the finger nails had stayed attached. “That’s it. Let it all out, son.”
“Don’t listed to him Ron! He’s dead! What does he know!”
“Who the hell are you?” Ron asked.
The boy in question was a tiny blond third year with a light smattering of freckles under dark brown eyes. “Kevin Whitby!” proclaimed Kevin Whitby. “Last one sorted in book four!”
“What the hell are you doing here?” Ron asked. “I though you were a Hufflepuff.”
“C’mon Ron, everyone hands out here. Or at least, all the cool kids do . We party with the centaurs and the giant spiders. It’s a good time.” The Life Eater holding him shook him roughly. “Or at least it was a good time until these bozos crashed the party.”
“They are Life Eaters,” Voldemort bellowed, extending a long bony finger towards Kevin Whitby. “Not bozos! Life Eaters! Get it right!”
“Bozos,” Kevin Whitby repeated.
“DIE INFIDEL!” Voldemort screamed and Kevin Whitby collapsed to the ground. Which was troubling considering Voldemort hadn’t even cast a spell. He turned back to Ron with a self satisfied smirk. “Now tell me dear Ronald, why you should not share his fate.”
“‘Cause I can get you into Hogwarts,” Ron said. “All you have to do for me is bring Harry back.”
“Can he be a minion?” Voldemort asked gleefully. “I’ve always loved making minions out of my best enemies. The irony makes me squee.”
“What’s squee?”
“SILENCE INFIDEL!” Voldemort bellowed. “Answer the question put to you and do not attempt to weasel your way out of it!”
“Fine,” Ron said. “He can be a minion. I don’t care. Just make him not be dead.”
“First, tell me how to get into Hogwarts!”
“Oh,” Ron said. “You can apparate. All the wards are down. I thought you guys already knew that.”
“Apparate?” Voldemort said thoughtfully. “Genius! Think of how dramatic that will be! Life Eaters apparating onto Hogwarts grounds—a feat that has not been accomplished in thousands of years.”
“Actually,” Ron said. “Me, Hermione and Harry did it about—” He broke off as he was hit by the angst. Harry was dead. Again. But for real this time. Dead as a doornail and getting deader…
Voldemort nodded towards his Life Eater legions and his zombie legions. “Legions!” he bellowed. “Attack Hogwarts! Commit vile atrocities and tragically kill at least twenty first years!”
He nodded back towards zombie!Sirius and Ron “Sirius, you have my permission to eat the boy’s brains.”
“But Harry!” Ron screamed. “You promised me you would bring back Harry if I told you the way into Hogwarts!”
“First of all,” said Voldemort, “ I am the evilest wizard in history. I kill muggles and eat babies for fun. Why is it so shocking that I would lie to you? Secondly, your intel would have become painfully obvious shortly. It was so crappy, it would hardly merit my resurrecting your goldfish, much less a human being. Finally, we never shook on it.” He folded his arms across his chest and stuck out his snake-like tongue. “So there! Now, I must go! I have a castle full of children I need to annihilate!”
With a magical swish of his cape, he apparated along with the majority of his legions.
“All right,” Ron said. “I’ll admit it. That looked pretty impressive.”
“Brains!!” zombie!Sirius moaned from behind him. “BRAINS!!!!”
“Shit!” Ron said. “Shit, shitty, shit, shit!”
“Brains!!!!”
Zombie!Sirius lurched forward. Ron wondered how Harry could have missed it. How he could look past the rotting, green skin, the decaying body, the vacant eyes (only one eye now and that was a tip off if Ron had ever seen one.) And then he remembered that Harry was dead and doubting the dead caused omg! The ANGST! And the WOE!! And Ron was momentarily crippled by it. Watching his dead best friend’s zombie godfather lurching toward him, he couldn’t summon a single spell to his mind, much less raise his wand.
Suddenly, someone jumped in front of him, shooting a blue flame at the zombie. Zombie!Sirius’s coat caught fire and he waved his arms wildly. “Fried brains!! BRAINS!!!”
Arms linked around both of Ron’s own, dragging him back, away from the zombie and into the forest. “C’mon Ron! Little help here! You’re heavy!”
Ron recognized the voice. The kind in from of him was Kevin Whitby, previously assumed dead. He flashed Ron a wide smile. “Come on, Weasley, not even Voldemort can kill with the power of his mind.”
“Who are you people?”
“Kevin Whitby,” Kevin Whitby said proudly. He gestured behind him to a girl with bright red hair and freckles and a rather bookish looking boy with frizzy brown hair and buck teeth. “This is Rita Beasley and Harmon Danger.”
Ron gave him a weird look .Whitby shrugged. “What? You think you three are the only people to ever save Hogwarts from certain doom? Come off it, loads of people have done it.”
“I’m dreaming,” Ron said faintly. “Harry’s dead and I’ve run into the Hufflepuff parallels of us and this is all a horrible, horrible dream.”
Whitby slapped him. It hurt. Ron glared. “Why couldn’t you just let me live in denial . I was much happier there.:
“Look,” Whitby said plainly. “Your friend’s dead and you screwed up big time. Now unless you get your act together, you’re going to go down in history as the person who let Armageddon happen. If we even have history after Voldemort’s done with us.:
“In other words,” said Beasley. “Get over it, pill yourself together and let’s go save the world.”
“Guys,” said Danger. “This might mot be the greatest idea. We’re just kids. Someone should really alert the ministry and, you know, the Order of the Phoenix.”
Ron gaped. “How do you know about—”
“Don’t ask,” Whitby said. “It’s a long story and we have an apocalypse on our hands.”
“Right,” Beasley said, drawing her wand with a grin. “Let’s kick some Life Eater ass.”
In Hogwarts, the breakfast crowd was chatting away happily when they heard an unearthly rumble. At first they thought it was just the owls coming in for morning post, but no owls came.
Then a single, black, clearly dead owl arched out of nowhere and into the Great Hall. Neville Longbottom stood up, took two steps forward, detached the note from its left leg, unfolded the parchment, cleared his throat and read it aloud.
“’Dear Puny Hogwarts Students, I, the Evil Lord Voldemort am coming to slaughter you all. Love, Tom “Voldemort” Riddle.’” Neville cleared his throat. “‘PS. Harry’s dead already which means I WIN!!! Bwahahahahaha!’” Neville lowered the letter grimly. “There are thirty three exclamation points.”
Everyone turned their gaze to zombie!Dumbledore sitting regally at the high table. He stood up, adjusted his robs, lost an ear and finally spoke. “My dearest students, esteemed colleagues and my friends. In the face of this terrible impending disaster, I have one thing to say and one thing only.” His eyes rolled back in their sockets, he extended his arms in front of him, stumbled forward and moaned, “BRAINS!!!”
There was a moment of complete silence.
Then the doors of the Great Hall burst open and out poured legions upon legions of zombies, Life Eaters and other nasty beasts.
All hell broke loose.
Dear Readers,
There is only one remaining chapter. I could cry. Except you know, me and Pyro nearly busted a rib writing the last chapter.
-
spastic_visionsDear Dedicated Readers,
We have written the final chapter together for optimum crazy. And we mean crazy. We first have to warn of several minor spoilers. So if you haven’t read the seventh book, what the hell are you doing reading this parody. Finish and then come back. Secondly, as always, we are indebted to JKR for the plot but also to Rambo and Evil Dead for… well you’ll see.
-
pyro_wizzardLife eaters and Inferi stormed the smoky hallways of Hogwarts. Green light flashed through the air. Little children were screaming. Older children were telling them to shut the fuck up and hide. Gryffindors raced through the hallway slinging spells in every direction. Ravenclaws raced through the hallways slinging dictionaries and unabridged Charles Dickens novels in every direction. Teachers raced through the hallway, just sort of kicking ass. Hufflepuffs and Slytherins were conspicuously absent.
One of the oncoming legions of doom paused long enough to announce: “Life eaters have come TO KILL YOU ALL!”
“Life eaters?” echoed a second year Ravenclaw. “I guess that makes more sense than death eaters, because logically, eating life would be much more terrifying but come on, a name change? This late in the series? With no PR release? That’s just absurd—”
“SILENCE INFIDEL!” boomed Voldemort.
“What the hell are you doing here,” asked Ginny. “I thought you never attacked until May! It’s the second week of school for Merlin’s sake.”
“DIE INFIDEL!” bellowed Voldemort and there was a green flash and Ginny was no more.
Yes, that means this shit just got real.
We really did just go there.
Ron burst into the great hall, Kevin Whitby on his tail. “GUYS RUN! VOLDEMORT’S COMING!”
One of the Life Eater, dragging a first year by the legs gave him a scathing look. “No shit, Sherlock.” He turned to his companion. “This one’s definitely not a Ravenclaw.”
They resumed mass murder. Seriously. Bloodbath. We really did just go there.
Kevin Whitby turned to Rita and Harmon his gender changed sidekicks, “we need the Hufflepuffs now! Where are our karate squadrons?! We need the nunchucks!!”
“Sharpening stakes in the common room!” Ron…we mean Rita shouted back over the noise of the battle.
“To the common room!” Kevin screamed and charged out of the hall.
Right then as it looked like hope was most definitely lost, Hermione Granger came into the hall. “Guys! I brought the grown ups! It’s all good! Harry can defeat the evil Dark Lord and then we can all go back to cramming for N.E.W.T.s”
A bloodstained Ravenclaw raced past. “What a nerd!”
Ron approached the frazzled Hermione. “How can you think of studying at a time like this. We’ve got six months until testing! Don’t you think there is a more important use of our time?”
“Not according to Hogwarts a History!” Hermione replied. “Sometimes they give N.E.W.T.s early, just to catch us off our guard. After Harry Kills Voldemort, there’s going to be tests. BIG IMPORTANT TESTS that could determine our very future. So-” she looked around. “Where is Harry? He needs to kill Voldemort fast so we can resume studying.”
“Oh,” Ron said. “about that. Harry’s dead. I kind of… uh… might have blown him up.”
“And he didn’t come back? That really is unusual!” She paused. “Wait a minute, YOU BLEW UP HARRY POTTER??”
“Maybe. A little.”
“How little?”
“Microscopic flecks of blood little?”
“RON YOU IDIOT!! MANKIND HOLDS NO HOPE ANYMORE!!”
Ron glanced to the raging battle. “Neville looks like he’s doing all right. So, where were you last chapter!”
“Oh wait! I forgot to give them the all clear.” She turned to look over her shoulder. “Any time you guys want to stem the slaughter of innocents is fine by me.”
Lupin, Moody, Fred, George and the rest of the order leapt through the doorway and started KICKING ASS!! Fred tripped over a body as a killing curse shot past his head. “Blimey!” said George. “That was close!”
“Come on George,” Fred said, dusting himself off. “They can’t kill us! We’re the Weasley twins.”
Right as he said that, Lupin got blasted in the stomach with a killing curse.
Zombie!Sirius looked up from his BRAINS!!! and screamed. “NOOOOOO!!!!!”
As Life Eaters stood gloating over Lupin’s body, he suddenly jumped up, slinging curses everywhere. “HA! NOT SILVER YOU BITCHES!!!”
After he’d dispatched all the looming Life Eaters, his eyes locked with Sirius’s across the room. “Sirius!” he cried. “OMG SIRIUS!!”
They ran to each other in slow motion, wind whipping through Sirius’s pimp daddy coat and Lupin’s smarmy facial hair respectively. They met in the middle of the hall and their mouths locked in a completely mind blowing spiny kiss right out of a romance movie. Or possibly Brokeback Mountain.
Zombie!Sirius pulled back and moaned. “BRAINS!!!!!!!!!!”
Lupin slapped him hard across his cheek causing his other eye to fall from its socket. “You WHORE!!! You come back from the dead AND DON’T EVEN CALL!! Did you find a lady Inferi friend? WHAT THE HELL!!!”
Tonks, staring at two of them muttered. “I was just about to ask the same thing.”
Suddenly, Sirius’s head fell into Lupin’s hands as a screaming Hufflepuff wielding a machete ran past. Lupin fell to his knees and screamed, “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Snape, lurking ominously in the shadows, directing zombie attacks with his wand said, “Oh shit. The Hufflepuff karate squadrons have arrived. I was afraid of this!!”
Ron saw Snape across the crowd. “OH MY GOD YOU’RE EVIL!!! I NEVER SUSPECTED ANYTHING. HOW ARE YOU SO GOOD AT DECIET!?”
Snape stared at him. “What? Really? You are the stupid one.”
Right as he said that, a piece of wood appeared in the middle of Snape’s chest. “LUPIN! I’VE ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!”
Zombie!Dumbledore, stared at Snape in shock. “YOU LYING WHORE!”
Snape then let out an unearthly wail and crumbled into dust, revealing Kevin Whitby holding his wand like a stake. “Well,” he said. “that was unexpected!”
Around the room, each and every zombie suddenly decomposed into dust and crumpled to the floor. Unfortunately, they were still outnumbered 27 to 1.
“Oh my God! Oh my GAWD!!” Hermione gasped, panicked. “You just staked a teacher!! You just staked a TEACHER!”
“Seriously!” wailed Her—er, we mean Harmon. “WE’RE GOING TO GET EXPELLED!”
Ron and Rita let out identical whoops of laughter. “That was freaking AWESOME!” And they high fived.
“Wait,” Ron said a second later. “Snape’s a vampire?”
“Was a vampire,” Kevin corrected.
Meanwhile, across the room, Neville, leading a Hufflepuff battalion whirled around to see Bellitrix Lestrange, who as more astute readers may remember is the reason Neville’s life sucked. She smirked and held up a toad.
“Trevor!” Neville whispered.
Bellitrix squeezed, slowly crushing the toad to grisly death.
Neville’s eyes went cold. “You tortured my parents, made me live with my crazy-ass grandma, threaten my friends and now, YOU KILLED MY TOAD. THAT’S IT BITCH. THIS. MEANS. WAR!!!!!!”
He tore off his robes to reveal a dirty black wife beater, camo pants, a bandolier of ammo crossing his heavily muscled chest. He slowly reached up and tied a strip of cloth around his forehead.
On of the Hufflepuffs behind him reverently whispered, “Rambo.”
Neville “Rambo” Longbottom, threw down his wand in favor of an old fashion M60 E4 machine gun and mowed the bitch down.
Voldemort stood in the middle of the hall, cackling and just generally killing everyone standing near him. Right as he set his sights on Fred Weasley and Remus Lupin, who, rather coincidentally were fighting back to back, Neville mowed him down with a burst of machine gun fire.
Voldemort’s bullet-ridden body crumpled, as if in slow motion to the floor and the hall went completely silent.
Neville blew the smoke for his gun. “Take that, motherfucker.”
The Life Eaters cowered before him.
“All right,” he said, smiling. “This is my boom stick. Who’s next?”
Ron Weasley sat next to his wife Hermione Granger (what? She’s a modern woman.). They had two little kiddies. One was name Harry Potter Granger-Weasley and the other was named Walking War Memorial Granger-Weasley. Their kids, understandably, were both secretly plotting to become Dark Lords so they could kill their parents for this fact.
In fact, the only kid in worse shape than their kids was Scorpious Malfoy. We mean, WtF Rowling. For the sake of this parody, we will rename him Bob.
“Now,” said Ron. “You were named after my best friend who I accidentally blew up.”
“Nice one dad.” Harry Potter Granger-Weasley spat.
“Seriously,” said Walking War Memorial. “You were the stupid one of your group weren’t you?”
“Shut up. Anyway as I was saying, you were both named after those who gave their lives to create this glorious free wizarding world in which we live. If not for Harry and Dumbledore and…Snape for some reason, you would be living under Voldemort’s evil fascist Government. So, when you go to school make your birthrights proud of you, study hard, eat your vegetables, torture the Slytherins and never pick on the Hufflepuffs. Professor Longbottom, is one of the bravest people I know and the only person to hold the Defense Against the Dark Arts job over a year so don’t piss him off either. Just in general be good and always protect your freedom and those you love…or, you know, just want to shag.”
“Um, dear” Hermione tapped him on the shoulder. “They’ve already left.”
Ron looked around the empty station as the train let out a bellow of steam and began slowly moving foreword.
“oh.”
A burly security guard approached Hermione. “Are you ready to go yet minister?”
“Just one more minute.” Hermione and Ron stood silently watching the train pull away. A loud sniff behind them broke the silence.
“They grow up so fast.” Harry said solemnly.
“Harry! I thought you were dead!” Ron cried.
“Spfff, it’s a kids book Ron, seriously.” Harry laughed. “I was just putting my kid on the train. Ginny’s in the car sobbing.”
“Ginny’s dead!!!”
“No she’s not.”
“This epilogue sucks.”
(The end)
Dear Readers,
If you have finished. There is something wrong with you. Seriously, you're even worse than us. But thanks all the same. The world needs more crazy people. And to all the shippers out there, WE HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY. There was something for EVERYONE. And it cost poor Pyro a piece of her soul.
Love,
-
pyro_wizzard and spastic_visionsPS. This entire thing, (all fifty plus pages) was written so that Neville could kill Voldemort with a machine gun. Yes, we are that strange.
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(no subject)
16/8/07 21:44 (UTC)I love it
:)
(no subject)
17/8/07 13:30 (UTC)(no subject)
17/8/07 02:27 (UTC)(no subject)
17/8/07 13:32 (UTC)=) Glad you enjoyed it.