last01standing: (Default)
[personal profile] last01standing
Title: Dial Tone
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: MAJOR for No Rest for the Wicked [3x16]
Warnings: Really, really, obscenely slapstick torture (yes, it’s possible). Also cursing.
Summary: Dean finds a way to phone out of Hell. Sam is skeptical. The fic is crack. [Dean, No Rest for the Wicked]
Author’s note: Most, if not all, of this is [livejournal.com profile] pyro_wizzard’s fault. She knows why.


Dial Tone


As it turned out, Hell was a lot like prison: you got one phone call a day.

Dean, of course, didn’t figure this out until day thirty-four sometime in between getting force fed his own foot and having the skin slowly peeled from his body. The maintainers of Hell are required by the treaty of 39762AD to inform any prisoner of this fact daily. However most people are screaming far too loud to hear (the treaty did not specify how loudly the prisoner should be told.)

So on the thirty-fifth day, Dean politely asked for a phone so he could call his brother. He dialed with shaking, broken fingers, smearing blood all over the numbers. He waited breathlessly for a moment and then Sam picked up the phone. It was the first time Dean had heard his brother’s voice in more then a month and honestly this was not the greeting he’d expected: “This really isn’t funny.”

“Sam,” Dean croaked. “Sam, it’s me. It’s Dean.”

“Mark my words,” Sam growled. “I will hunt you down and I will kill you. Human or not, I swear I’m going to kill you.” He slammed the phone shut and after a second to leave Dean staring at the phone.

He wasn’t pissed too long because a demon stopped by and scooped his eyeballs out with a spoon. He screamed and screamed until they came back and took his tongue too. It was all right thought. In Hell, they grow back. (Of course that just meant someone could rip them out again.)

________________________________________________________________________


Dean called again the next day to the same reception.

“If you’re another fucking crocotta,” Sam said, “you should know I wasted one of you a few months ago. You’re not going to get my soul.”

“Why the hell would I want your soul?” Dean asked.

“This isn’t funny.”

“Not much about Hell is.”

There was a little hesitation in his voice before Sam finally said, “You’re not Dean. Dean’s dead.”

Dial tone.

________________________________________________________________________


The third day when Dean called, a Demon lit him on fire before he could get the first word out and he screamed into the phone for the next two minutes or until the phone melted. Dean really couldn’t tell since he was, you know, on fire.

________________________________________________________________________


The forth day when Dean called, Sam didn’t answer and the phone just rang and rang and rang and Dean thought that was worse then being set on fire.

And then they set him on fire again and Dean reconsidered.

________________________________________________________________________


On the fifth day Sam answered sounding tired and hung over and Dean said, “Sammy, you sure as hell better be taking care of my car.”

Sam laughed. He actually laughed and Dean felt that little bead of hope building dangerously in his chest. “You’re not my brother,” he said, but at least his voice was light. “If my brother found a way to dial out of hell, he’d probably try to get phone sex instead of call me.”

Dial tone.

Dean blinked because if Sam’s not going to be convinced, that was probably the much more pleasant option

________________________________________________________________________


So on day six he called Lisa but got Ben on the phone. Dean could hear the smile in the boy’s voice when he said, “Dean! My birthday’s coming up again are you going to come this year.”

Dean swallowed, trying of a way to say no that didn’t sound like, Sorry kid, I can’t because I’m dead. “Sorry kiddo, not going to make it this year.”

“Oh,” Ben said, momentarily forlorn, but he recovered quickly and before Dean could say anything else, he was off jabbering about monsters and hunting at high speed. “And when I get older, can I road trip with you and your brother? Please? I’ll be good! Dakota’s daddy’s going to teach me how to shoot and everything—“

“Ben, buddy. I don’t think that’s something you’re going to want to do. Hunting takes you to some pretty bad places.”

“Really?” Ben asked. “Where are you now?”

Dean glanced around the baron landscape. “I’m in hell,” he said finally. “Hey is you’re mom around?”

And then Dean’s time was up. He could tell because suddenly there were meat hooks. He really fucking hated meat hooks.

________________________________________________________________________


On the seventh day, he tried Cassie and ended up getting bitched out by who Dean could only assume was her current boyfriend. After that he was slowly cut to pieces by a demon who looked like Sam, but wasn’t Sam. They must like fucking with his head. Dean didn’t know why that surprised him. He was in Hell after all.

________________________________________________________________________


The eight day, Dean called Sam again. His brother picked up but didn’t say anything. He just breathed heavily into the phone for a long moment. Dean said, “Apparently there’s no phone sex in Hell.”

Then he hung up. He was sick and fucking tired of being on the wrong end of that dial tone.

________________________________________________________________________


On the ninth day when Dean called, Sam was drunk. Dean could tell it from the first word—all that self righteous, condescending little brother talk just oozed off of every word. “I’m going insane,” he said.

“You really are an incredible lightweight. If I find out you were drinking appletinis, I swear to God I’m dragging you down here with me.”

“Hellhounds,” Sam muttered. “There were a deal made. You was stupid and sold your soul.”

“If you puke on my car,” Dean promised, “I will find a way to kill you.”

________________________________________________________________________


Dean called Bobby on the tenth day and told him to kick some sense into his brother. Bobby, rather bewildered, muttered something about how he must be dreaming and Dean screamed in frustration.

________________________________________________________________________


Dean didn’t call on days eleven, twelve or thirteen because he’s busy being filleted, buried alive and forced to listen to that emo-shit Sam likes. Oh, and then they gave him decaf coffee. So, by the time he pulled himself together (harder then you might think considering he was in more then a few pieces) and got to the phone, he was already pissed off beyond belief.

So when Sammy answered the phone and said, “Hey, I forget. How exactly are you supposed to kill a black dog?” Dean saw red (which wasn’t as common a color as you might think in Hell. On the whole, it was actually rather green.)

“Sammy,” he said slowly. “I’m standing here on broken legs holding my own entrails and you’re asking me how to kill a black dog?”

“Well, you’re not really Dean, but if you want to pretend, hell, I’ll pretend.”

“QUIT PRETENDING AND FIND A WAY TO GET ME THE FUCK OUT!!”

Sam made a sound that was half sob, half laugh and Dean felt the guilt swim over him. He never could stomach Sam’s misery. He took a deep breath, glanced down at the pile of entrails in his hands and said, “You can kill a black dog using rod iron rounds. That should work, but if it doesn’t try silver bullets doused in holy water.”

“Thanks,” Sam said and then paused for a minute. “You know, I miss him.”

“You miss me.”

“I miss Dean.”

“Yeah,” Dean said finally. “You and me. We’re not talking again until you stop being such a bitch about this.”

He hung up in a huff and dropped his entrails in a mess on the floor. Unfortunately the floor turned out to be made of acid and that hurt just as much as it sounded.

________________________________________________________________________


Days fourteen to thirty-one are all variations on the same conversation:

“Hey. It’s me.”

“No, it’s not.”

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SAMMY, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.”

“Stop pretending you’re Dean.”

Dial tone.

________________________________________________________________________


On the thirty-second day when Dean called, Sam answered the first and said, “Dean?”

“About fucking time,” Dean said.

“Since when are there phones in Hell?”

Dean started to laugh hysterically. He only recovered when a demon prodded him in the ass with a pitchfork. “Since always, I guess,” Dean replied. “Most people are screaming too much to take advantage.”

Silence.

“So,” Sam said awkwardly. “How you been?”

Sometimes, Dean really wanted to strangle his brother. “In Hell. How the fuck do you think I’ve been?”

(end)

I realize I’m going to Hell for this story. And I’m okay with it. (Dean’s there.)

(no subject)

1/6/08 14:46 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] morganslady.livejournal.com
This definately was a sick fic**as I'm grinning frime ear to ear** Can't write anymore still laughing..

(no subject)

1/6/08 16:09 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
Hee! This is reason 1037085 I sould not be allowed to write when I haven't gotten nearly enough sleep.

(no subject)

1/6/08 14:57 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] mrsevilpigeon.livejournal.com
It hurts to laugh this much this early in the morning.

Favorite lines:
Dean really couldn’t tell since he was, you know, on fire.

Dean didn’t call on days eleven, twelve or thirteen because he’s busy being filleted, buried alive and forced to listen to that emo-shit Sam likes. Oh, and then they gave him decaf coffee.


Unfortunately the floor turned out to be made of acid and that hurt just as much as it sounded.

I love you and your cracked brain and your cracked friends who get you to write these things.

(no subject)

1/6/08 16:14 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
Glad you got a giggle out of this. =)

Dear old pyro was freaking out when we were talking about s4 of supernatural. It went something like this:

Pyro: But how do we know Dean's even going to get out! It could be that he gets a magic phone so he can call Sam and that's going to be his role in the show!

Me: That could actually be kind of awesome.

(no subject)

1/6/08 16:21 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] autumn-lilacs.livejournal.com
Oh I just knew there was decaf in Hell. This means my Doc is really a demon for suggesting it.

I love that Dean ended hanging up on Sam for a change.

(no subject)

1/6/08 21:10 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
=)

I've never seen the point of decaf. If you want to drink coffee, there damn well better be caffine in it.

(no subject)

1/6/08 16:34 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] redrikki.livejournal.com
Dean in hell fics should not be funny. They should not have dry wit that makes me chuckle about entrails falling on acidic floors. They could be full of angst and, oh, hell, who am I kidding? I loved it.

(no subject)

1/6/08 21:12 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
Dean in hell fics should not be funny.

What? Too soon?

(Yay! I knew slapstick torture would be a hit!)

(no subject)

1/6/08 16:57 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] muffaletta.livejournal.com
BWAH!! Loved, loved, loved this....

(no subject)

1/6/08 17:19 (UTC)
ext_12410: (spn - time for a swear word (by phangurl)
Posted by [identity profile] tsuki-no-bara.livejournal.com
it's not funny, but it really, really is. and i love that being force-fed decaf coffee and forced to listen to emo are hellish punishments on par with having your eyeballs scooped out or getting set on fire or meathooked or disemboweled. and i really love that demons are required by treaty to tell the damned every day that they're entitled to a phone call. hee.

(no subject)

1/6/08 21:14 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
I am determined to drag everyone down to hell with me by infecting thim wiht my sick sense of humor. We have more fun this way!

Glad I made you giggle.

(plus omg, icon LOVE!)

(no subject)

1/6/08 21:20 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] ewanspotter.livejournal.com
The forth day when Dean called, Sam didn’t answer and the phone just rang and rang and rang and Dean thought that was worse then being set on fire. And then they set him on fire again and Dean reconsidered.

HOW CAN ONE LINE BE PAINFUL ONE SECOND AND PAINFULLY FUNNY THE NEXT?!

I think I broke something while laughing.

(no subject)

3/6/08 14:05 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
Oh no! *tries to put you back together*

Glad you like it!

(PS. Your icon is adorable. In a completely homicidal grandma way.)

(no subject)

Posted by [identity profile] ewanspotter.livejournal.com - 3/6/08 18:40 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

1/6/08 22:34 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] spectacal.livejournal.com
Dean started to laugh hysterically. He only recovered when a demon prodded him in the ass with a pitchfork.

BUAHAHA!
When I started reading this, I actually went, "Oh my god, I really shouldn't be laughing at this. I SHOULDN'T." But I am, loudly I might add, because it's so painful and so funny at the same time. I'm joining you in the special hell, don't worry :D

(no subject)

3/6/08 14:06 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
Clearly the special hell is where all the cool people party. I hear there's a hot tub!

(Unfortunately, said hot tub is filled with lava.)

(no subject)

1/6/08 23:19 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] blackcat333-99.livejournal.com
Moar! Moar! Moar!

We needs an encore!

Maybe Sam's POV? Or Sam's POV picking up from where this one leaves off? I love the phone call concept thingie.

Crack is the best way to get through to September.

(no subject)

3/6/08 14:08 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
Crack!fic is the only way I'll survive the wait.

(You're seriously asking for more of this? But Sam would be all angsty! Slapstick torture is way more funny!) Besides, I've already written the prerequisit angst finale fic...

(no subject)

Posted by [identity profile] blackcat333-99.livejournal.com - 3/6/08 19:13 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

2/6/08 18:49 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] death-of-dreams.livejournal.com
You know the best part about this fic?
It's complete genius by the way.

It's so ridiculously in character - like completely so. And hilarious at the same time. So I'm howling because Dean and Sam are exactly Dean and Sam while everything else is happening; so great.

(no subject)

3/6/08 14:09 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
In character. Wow. That's got to be the strangest thing I've ever heard said about one of my crack!fics. No joke. Glad you like this!

(no subject)

2/6/08 22:15 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] oriundus.livejournal.com
THIS SHOULD NOT BE FUNNY!

...but I'm LMAO anyway. Dammit, he's in HELL. How can I be laughing? HOW CAN YOU MAKE ME LAUGH THROUGH MY PAIN?

“Sammy,” he said slowly. “I’m standing here on broken legs holding my own entrails and you’re asking me how to kill a black dog?”

*giggling hysterically*

This is so, so wrong. Hee.

(no subject)

3/6/08 14:23 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
Laughing through the pain is the only way to go.

(Of course Hell is funny! What's not funny about entrails and pitchforks? In fact, the only thing funnier is zombies!)

(no subject)

3/6/08 20:06 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] twasadark.livejournal.com
LOL!!! Apparently, I'm sick, because these were my favorite lines:

...a demon stopped by and scooped his eyeballs out with a spoon.

Oh, and then they gave him decaf coffee.

And awwwww, Dean's a sucker, even in hell:

Sam made a sound that was half sob, half laugh and Dean felt the guilt swim over him. He never could stomach Sam’s misery.

Thanks for the laughs!!

(no subject)

6/6/08 20:51 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
I was always a twisted child. Remember the peeled grapes they'd tell kids were eyeballs on Halloween. Yeah, I loved that. =)

Thanks you for reading!

(no subject)

3/6/08 22:54 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] coell.livejournal.com
Cracktastic! :-D

(no subject)

6/6/08 20:51 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
That's the only way to go!

(no subject)

4/6/08 01:03 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] iamstealthyone.livejournal.com
I like this quite a lot. :) It made me grin. And then I felt kind of bad for grinning because, you know, Dean being in hell and all. It made me laugh. And then I felt bad for laughing because, yeah, Dean+hell. But dang it, it’s a unique, amusing and well-handled premise. How could I resist? :)

Very nicely done!

Favorite lines:

The maintainers of Hell are required by the treaty of 39762AD to inform any prisoner of this fact daily. However most people are screaming far too loud to hear (the treaty did not specify how loudly the prisoner should be told.)

*snickers* I love the idea of the mandatory phone call, and of course most people are in too much agony to hear about or make it.

He dialed with shaking, broken fingers, smearing blood all over the numbers.

Good details.

The third day when Dean called, a Demon lit him on fire before he could get the first word out and he screamed into the phone for the next two minutes or until the phone melted. Dean really couldn’t tell since he was, you know, on fire.

LOL! And also, feel bad for laughing. Poor Dean.

“I’m in hell,” he said finally. “Hey is you’re mom around?”

I love his lack of segue.

Oh, and then they gave him decaf coffee.

Poor, poor Dean. To be denied his beloved caffeine. *hugs him*

*g*

“So,” Sam said awkwardly. “How you been?”

Sometimes, Dean really wanted to strangle his brother. “In Hell. How the fuck do you think I’ve been?”


*snickers*

(no subject)

6/6/08 20:54 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
*big grin*

“I’m in hell,” he said finally. “Hey is you’re mom around?”

I love his lack of segue.


Oh, yes. That was my favorite line. =)

Glad I could twist Dean in hell into something amusing even if you do feel bad for laughing.

(no subject)

4/6/08 02:31 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] labseraph.livejournal.com
OMG.

Apart from the lack of sleep what else are you on when you wrote this? Take more of it!

Making he!! humorous takes guts and skill; which you demonstrated ably possession of which in vast quantities. Man, phonecalls from hell ... who woulda thought?

Very true to character that Sam would be disbelieving, but poor Dean. The poor, poor baby. You are gonna write the fic where Sam got Dean out of hell and gets his ass kicked for hanging up, right? Right?

*flutters lashes*

(no subject)

6/6/08 20:56 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
humorous takes guts and skill

You forgot about the eyeballs and entrails. It nees that too. =)

Not on anything when I took this. Believe it or not, my brain always functions this way.

(no subject)

4/6/08 05:28 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] not-sally.livejournal.com
This was awesome.

(no subject)

6/6/08 20:56 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
Glad to be of service!

(no subject)

4/6/08 15:12 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] littlealex.livejournal.com
Awesome man! Way to combat the complete misery and torment of picturing Dean in Hell all this time, I am impressed. And so fricking entertaining. I love it when people make light of serious situations! I get so sick of all the downers and this is the perfect remedy! Good work :D

(no subject)

6/6/08 20:57 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
I figured since I already wrote the prerequisit angst, this was allowed. Happy I got you laughing!

(no subject)

6/6/08 06:56 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] seerargent.livejournal.com
Crack of the highest order. I really shouldn't have loved this as much as I did. Thank you.

(no subject)

6/6/08 20:57 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
Hee!

Crack is the only way to make it through this hiatus!

(no subject)

25/6/08 18:24 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] patita-fea.livejournal.com
I think you might have hit almost the exact same genius tone as the opening half of "Mystery Spot," only you avoided the mood whiplash that bothered me so much in that episode. The black humor here works well for Dean's character, and you deserve some major props for that final line. It is just. so. Dean.

Thank you very much for such a fun read. If you go chill with Dean in hell, can I come?

I'll bring marshmallows.

(no subject)

4/7/08 23:57 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
Clearly all the cool people will be chilling in hell. (Ha. Chilling. In hell.)

Thanks for reading!

(no subject)

16/7/08 05:24 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] cherierose.livejournal.com

“QUIT PRETENDING AND FIND A WAY TO GET ME THE FUCK OUT!!”

I thought that was the best part of the story.

Then came this:

I realize I’m going to Hell for this story. And I’m okay with it. (Dean’s there.)

Which was kinda weird since it was written after this:

(end)

(no subject)

22/7/08 01:00 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
=)

Isn't crack!fic just buckets of fun?

(no subject)

Posted by [identity profile] cherierose.livejournal.com - 22/7/08 12:39 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com - 22/7/08 13:44 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Posted by [identity profile] cherierose.livejournal.com - 23/7/08 12:13 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

17/12/09 09:05 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] circury.livejournal.com
Oh god! This was hilarious and made me turn away from the screen in horror a few times. I'm imagining this happening on a Monty Python sound stage.

(no subject)

30/12/09 17:40 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
I'm glad you liked it!

(no subject)

4/1/10 22:41 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pathsforme.livejournal.com
Disturbing story but it was good. It got a laugh from me. :D

(no subject)

16/1/10 01:56 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
Glad it worked for you!

(no subject)

10/4/10 10:26 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] princess-aleera.livejournal.com
AhahahahaXD
LMAO, and that means I'll probably go to hell, too. This isn't funny. *snicker*

<3

(no subject)

11/4/10 14:42 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
Hell has better music. =)

(no subject)

8/8/10 14:46 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] kantrixgabriel.livejournal.com
If I could leave you an audio comment of my evil, far-to-entertanied laughter I would. You aren't the only one headed down.

(no subject)

9/8/10 03:53 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
Always nice to hear i can make someone laugh. Glad you enjoyed it.

(no subject)

25/4/13 08:18 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] kficons.livejournal.com
was actually surfing for random evil!Sam fics and found this one. Read it anyway. Now if only I could stop laughing long enough to get off the floor and actually breathe.....

(no subject)

20/5/13 18:56 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] trolllogicfics.livejournal.com
=)

I still remember writing this one. It was kind of a ball. Glad it's still good for a giggle.

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