last01standing: (Doyle)
[personal profile] last01standing
Title: Symoblic Everything
AUTHOR: You see her around as Insane Troll Logic, [ profile] spastic_visions and [ profile] trolllogicfics
Summary: A plane full of little boys crashes on an island where symbolism runs rampent. Spoofing Lord of the Flies mercilessly.Sucks to your ass-mar.
Rating: PG-13. If you read LotF, you can read this.
DISCLAIMER: Ok. I actually liked Lord of the Flies. I thought it was a good action story, it was magnificently done. But it still needs to be spoofed. Don't take this seriously. Oh. And Lord of the Flies is definately not mine. I'm far to literal for it.
Author's Note: This was one of those stories that I wrote and a copy managed to make around half the school. Then I put it on and well, it's probably my best received story. Which is strange considering I expected people to be all "You mock classic literature?! Fie! Fie on you!". Yet strangely, some people told me they planned to use it as cliff notes...
other note:For those of you who don't know, Macrocosm vs. Microcosm is a literary devices that Golding used in this book. Microcosms are this little parts that are sort of a subset of that big part. In this case, the macrocosm is WW2, and the micrososm is the little boys who are trapped on an island.

Chapter 1- The Pretty Shell of Power
“We seemed to have crashed on a desert island right outside of England.” Ralph muttered aloud,“Because you know, there are a lot of those lying around.”

The fat boy who had a very important pair of glasses nodded his agreement. “I miss my auntie.” He paused, “Hey look! A shell!”


“You should blow it,” said the fat boy, who was appropriately named Piggy.

“You blow the darn conch.”

“I would but I have asthma.”

“Sucks to your ass-mar!” Ralph paused, rolled his eyes and blew it himself and magically lots of little boys (but absolutely no adults) materialized out of thin air. Ralph stood up to address them. “We seem to be on an island with no grown-ups.”

Another boy named Jack walked up with his posse. “I want to be chief.”

“Nope,” said the other boys, “he has a pretty shell. He can be chief.”

Jack deflated. “Can I at least kill a pig?”

“Not until chapter four.”


“Isn’t it kind of weird that all of the boys survived and no adults?” One of the boys asked.

It was so weird in fact, that Simon fainted.

Chapter 2- Let’s Burn the Island Down

“We need to make a signal.” Piggy said. He was polishing his glasses. Again. Even though they were already sparkly clean already.

“Fire!”cried the mob of boys, “We like fire!”

“Don’t burn the island down! I have the conch of power! You’ve got to listen to me! DON’T BURN THE ISLAND DOWN!”

The boys ignored him and burned the island down.

A random kid with a birthmark materialized out of no where and looked kind of scared. “I saw a scary snake-beastie.”

He disappeared, never to be seen again.

Everyone started to freak out. “AHH! Snake-beastie!”

Chapter 3- Jack Wants to Kill a Pig

Jack looked dog-like as he crouched on all fours while tracking a pig. He had painted his face which means he was going savage… or maybe he just likes to paint things, but this is Golding people! Everything means something! Even the fact that Jack’s hair had changed colors from red to sandy, like he was some sort of hair dye Barbie.

“Me kill pig.” Jack grunted, only it wasn’t chapter 4 yet so he hadn’t. “Me kill Piggy.” He foreshadowed subtly.

He came back to camp without killing a Piggy… er pig. Ralph walked up to him. “You didn’t help with the shelters.” He pointed to three piles of sticks which well, kinda sucked.

“I scoff at your measly shelters.” Jack scoffed, “I’ve been hunting.”

“And you’ve killed what? A fly? I’m chief. You should have helped.”

“Yeah well, my hair changes colors!”

Ralph had no comeback for that.

Piggy looked around in confusion. “Hey where’d that birthmark kid go?”

Simon wondered off into the jungle of mystery alone. Even though there was supposedly a beastie. He was either really smart or really really stupid.

Chapter 4- Everyone Almost Gets Rescued

A random little kid named Henry walked up to Roger!the!Sadist!


Roger threw a rock at him.

He was interrupted by Jack calling his posse together. They were all going to wonder aimlessly in the forest until they found a pig to kill.

“Hey look! A ship! We’re saved! They’ll see our smoke!” Piggy would have done the happy dance if he didn’t have ass-mar. He paused. “Hold on where’s our smoke?”

Ralph said nothing and Piggy continued to panic. “Where the flip is our smoke? Ralph! Smoke!”

They snatched Piggy’s very important glasses and frantically relight the fire, only it was kind of a pathetic fire so the ship!of!salvation! sailed away.

Ralph got angry: “Grr. I am angry!” said Ralph. Jack and his posse were supposed to have kept the fire going. Only they were kinda dumb so they didn’t.

“Stupid CENSOREDing idiots!” Ralph yelled at Jack who was covered in blood. “You were supposed to keep the CENSOREDing fire going! You CENSOREDing CENSOREDs!”

Jack grinned. “Me killed Pig!” Which was sort of obvious since he was covered in blood and dragging it’s carcass to the fire for cooking.

“Dude! RESCUE!” Ralph screamed. “FIRE! RESCUE!”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Shut up and eat.”

The rest of the boys danced and sang a very violent song about pig killing (so not school appropriate!). In the midst of the dance, Jack bumped into Piggy and knocked his very important glasses off. Piggy ran and grabbed them. “NOOOOOOOO! You broke one lens of my glasses and you know, they’re society! They must remain intact! Not to mention they’re my intelligence. Now I’m a mere half-wit!” He placed the broken glasses delicately back on his nose. “And now I’ve only got one eye!”

Samneric (who were really two people (twins) whose names are combined only out of laziness unless Golding had some deeper meaning that no one really cares about) said, “I see two eyes.”

“Sucks to your ass-mar.” said Ralph who wasn’t really all there.

Chapter 5- The Beastie Changes Species

Ralph had an Epiphany. ‘hey’ Ralph epiphanied, ‘Piggy might be big and fat and have ass-mar, but he’s smarter than the rest of us.’ He was interrupted by a littlun (translation- “extra”).

“AHHH!” screamed the littlun, “I’ve seen a beastie!”

A meeting was called with the conch of diminishing power and they talked about fires, and ships and rescues, you know- the unimportant stuff.

“What about the beastie?” A littlun shrieked, “We’s scared of the beastie!”

All of the littluns began to cry.

“Stupid kids.” Piggy scoffed, polishing his intelligence… uh glasses. “There’s no beastie!”

“It was huge!” blubbered the littlun, “It tried to eat me!”

“I thought it was a snake.” Simon muttered.

“Squid thing!” someone shouted.

“There’s no beastie!” Piggy yelled, “I gots the conch of power! Y’all are stupid!”

Piggy was completely ignored.

“AHHHH! Squid-thing!” screamed the littluns.

Chapter 6- You got Macrocosm in my Microcosm

The macrocosm invaded the island in the form of an extremely dead parachuter. It was dragged along by the wind and the parachute bulged in a very beast-like way. The parachuter’s face looked gross and well, dead. Samneric who were actually two separate people happened to see it. “AHH!” They screamed in unison. “It’s the evil beastie!” They ran away without really looking closely at it. When they got back to the beach, they managed to scare the bjeezes out of everyone.

Piggy grabbed the conch of diminishing power. “You stupid idjits! There’s no beastie! And seriously if there was one, this is like the third species change.” No one even bothered looking at him and Piggy wondered if the conch of diminishing power was broken.

Simon lifted his head slightly and offered. “Maybe there’s a beastie in all of us.”

Everyone went very quiet for about ten seconds and then began to laugh. “You loon!”

“Crazy Simon’s trying to be Zen!”

“Sucks to your ass-mar.” Muttered Ralph who's brain was currently residing in la-la land.

Jack stood up and tried to look important. “Me hunt beastie! Let’s go posse!”

His posse didn’t move so he ended up going with Bill (who was never mentioned again), Simon, Ralph, Roger!the!Sadist! and the rest of the biguns (translation: “Big ones”). They found a cave fortress thing. Jack gaped at it. “Pretty!”

Ralph looked at it in distaste. “This place is stupid!”

Jack glared at him. “Yeah well, you hang out with Piggy and he’s fat!”

“Yeah, but I’m chief and,” he looked at the horizon. “Where’s the smoke? We need smoke because…” He forgot what he was saying and blinked. “Smoke is good. I am chief. Sucks to your ass-mar. This place is stupid.” He nodded, very proud that he could remember that much. “There’s got to be a signal.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Whatever.” And he lead the posse onwards.

Chapter 7- Beasties Again

“You’ll get back to where you came from.” Simon foreshadowed to Ralph. “You’ll get back alright.”

Ralph stared at him. “What the CENSORED are you talking about?”

“Long hair is bad,” muttered Simon philosophically and Ralph suddenly realized that everyone had long hair. They looked like a troop of girls. That probably meant they all had the cooties of savagery or something but Ralph really didn’t understand the symbolic stuff. “You’re batty.”

Suddenly, a pig rushed out of the creepers that looked vaguely snake-like (the creepers, not the pig). Ralph lunged at it with his pointy stick. He missed.

“Dude that sucked!” Roger!the!Sadist laughed and threw a rock at him.

“I hit him a bit,” Ralph protested, “Simon saw!”

Simon blinked, bewildered. “You know, I think I’ll go help Piggy with the littluns.” He trotted off.

Everyone else imitated a hunt and did the dance of impending doom. They got carried away and almost killed some kid called Robert, but they weren’t allowed to kill humans until the end of the book so they laughed it off and trooped onwards.

They saw a bulgy thing in the distance which was really the parachuter from the last chapter. Let’s name him Jimbo the Macrocosm. Well Jimbo the Macrocosm was still being pulled around by the wind and was still looking extremely dead. Only now he was rotting too. The biguns saw him.

“AHHHH beastie!” They screamed and since they all had girly long hair, they ran away shrieking, “Oh my GAWD!”

Chapter 8- Simon’s Spirit Quest

“You actually saw the beastie?” Piggy asked skeptically. “Are you sure you weren’t hallucinating?”

Ralph curled up and hugged his knees. “It had big teeth and black eyes.” Which really in no way resembled Jimbo the Macrocosm, but he had long hair in his eyes so we forgive him.

Jack blew the conch of little to no remaining power. When the kids came running, Ralph said. “We saw the beast!”

Jack glared at him. “Shuddup. I gots the conch.” He turned back to the group. “We saw the beast. We should hunt it.”

“Or not.” said Ralph, “Think a little.”

“Thinking is what Piggy does!” Jack yelled, “and we don’t like Piggy! Thinking ain’t for chiefs!”

“We’ve got to make smoke.” Ralph said feebly, “because…”

“Rescue.” Piggy supplied.

“Rescue.” Jack jeered. “Screw that. Let’s go kill a pig.” He stormed off, some of his posse following. As he left, he yelled back, “I quit your tribe!”

“Should we go after him?” Piggy asked hesitantly.

“Sucks to your ass-mar.” Ralph told him sharply, “And sucks to them. Let’s build a fire.”

So they built a fire. And they danced because that’s just what you do on a desert island.

Meanwhile, Jack was addressing his posse. “We’ll hunt pig, and I’ll be chief. Let’s kill pig.”

And magically, a pig appeared and using their pointy sticks, they killed it. Then they all stood around and watched Jack gut it. “We’ll use meat to recruit members for our posse.”

Roger!the!Sadist frowned. “How do we cook it?”

“We steal their fire.” Jack said with a grin and looked at Roger!the!Sadist. “Sharpen a stick on both sides.”

He obeyed and Jack stuck the pig’s head on one side and rammed the other side into the ground. “A gift for the beast.” He explained. They all found that to be very smart.

Later, they invited everyone else to a feast. Ralph and Piggy looked at each other. “They must’ve stolen our fire.”

“Sucks to your ass-mar.” agreed Ralph.

Jack’s posse had all painted their faces with the mask of missing humanity. They all looked like savages which is important.

“Everything’s all Jack’s fault,” Piggy said bitterly.

Samneric who were really two people ran up, “Can we please go eat meat?”

Ralph sighed, “Whatever. I forget why I care.”

Piggy looked around. “Where’s Simon?” he didn’t see him, so his shrugged and returned to polishing society.

Simon was in fact in the process of going crazy(er). He’d found the pig’s head on the stick. It had started talking to him. “You are a silly boy,” it said.

Simon looked at it and saw flies swarming around it and spontaneously decided to name it the Lord of the Flies. He would have thought of a better name if he wasn’t delirious, but at least he realized he was crazy… so maybe that makes him really sane… or something. “You’re a pig’s head on a stick.”

“I’m the beastie.” Said the Lord of the Flies, “You can’t kill me! I’m part of you!”

Simon was pretty sure no part of him was a pig’s head on a stick, but he wasn’t sure about the other guys.

“You should go savage too!” Said the Lord of the Flies. “It’s fun to be savage!”

Instead of answering, Simon fainted.

Chapter 9- Symbolic Rain

A symbolic storm began to build up around the island.

Simon woke up, feeling slightly saner. He looked at the gross looking Lord of the Files, shrugged and began blundering through the forest again. After ten minutes of staggering around, he saw Jimbo the Macrocosm and he started puking because Jimbo the Macrocosm was still kind of gross, rotting and dead looking. After he finished puking, he stared at it and gently freed it from the rocks. Because, you know, he was a good person. Or possibly Jesus. The he began to make his way back to the others.

Back at the empty camp of sanity, Ralph and Piggy were alone. “I wish it would just symbolically rain already.” Ralph muttered.

“I miss my auntie.” Piggy whimpered.

“Sucks to your ass-mar.” said Ralph.

“Maybe we should go to Jack’s camp.” offered Piggy. “You know, to make sure nothing bad happens.”

Ralph brightened. “Ok!”

When they got to Jack’s camp, they saw a bunch of little savages with face paint all over. The paint was red. What that signifies is up to you.

“Join my tribe.” Jack told them. “We eat meat.”

“Yay,” cheered the littluns, “meat!”

Ralph marched over to him. “I’ll- I’ll- I’ll blow the conch of power!”

Jack snorted. “That hasn’t worked since like chapter 2.”

Ralph fell silent as he realized that the conch of little to no power was now merely the conch of purely sentimental value. After a full minute of mindless gaping he recovered. “Yeah, well the symbolic rain’s about to start and we have shelters.” He crossed his arms and stuck out his tongue in triumph. “You’ll get wet!” He frowned. “Your hair might change colors again. What’ll you do if that happens?”

“Dance?” Jack said hesitantly and at once the savages began the dance of the pig killing. They were starting to get kind of scary.

“Yeah? So what are you going to do about the beast?”

A chant rose up hauntingly, “Kill the beast!” They chanted in italics “Cut his throat! Spill his blood!”

They were being sexist. Who said the beast was a guy? The again Ralph couldn’t deny that it was a pretty good plan. The savages continued to dance and chant.

Simon who had a bad taste of worst-timing-ever crawled out of the forest. Unfortunately for him he was on all fours and covered in mud. The boys took one glance at him and automatically assumed he was the beastie.

“Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood!”

“There’s no beastie!” Simon screamed although no one was really listening, “It’s just Jimbo the Macrocosm! You hear me? Jimbo the Macrocosm!”

The boys attacked and killed Simon who in no way resembled a snake, a squid or Jimbo the Macrocosm, but for some reason they still thought he was a beastie. Then again, considering all the species changes that did make at least a little sense.

It began to rain symbolically. But this was new and different symbolic rain. It didn’t cleanse their sins or wash the blood off their hands (it was more blood in their teeth really…) but it washed away their humanity because dude, they just killed the Simon!Beastie thus proving that if you put good and bad on an island together, the bad would kill the good. Don’t you just love our species?

Jimbo the Macrocosm randomly blew in and all of the savages scattered. “AHHH!” They screamed! “The real beastie!”

Jimbo the Macrocosm swept Simon out to sea. Exactly how this happened is anyone’s guess. Simon’s body then started to glow like he was Jesus or something, except he wasn’t going to rise on the third day. And well he wasn’t 2000 years old.

The savages noticed this and decided that it meant that they did the right thing.

Chapter 10- Society, the Intelligence and the Conch of Purely Sentimental Value

“Dude,” Ralph muttered, “That was murder.”

Piggy hugged himself. “Simon was a loony. He was asking for it.”

“Who hasn’t joined the tribe of homicidal savages?” Ralph asked.

Piggy valiantly tried to polish society, only he was polishing glasses so that didn’t work very well. Ralph snatched the glasses from him. “Just stop ok. They’re glasses. Not intelligence. Not society. Glasses. And they’re already clean CENSORED it.”

“No one but us, Samneric left.” Piggy snapped, grabbing his glasses back. “But it’s alright. We’ve still got the conch.” He quieted. “If we don’t get out soon. We’ll all go battier.”

“Bonkers!” said Samneric, appearing beside them, “Barmy.”

Suddenly the savages ran it.

“Quick! Protect the conch!” Piggy screamed, “The conch.”

They did not go for the conch since, you know, it was only of purely sentimental value. Instead, they plucked Piggy’s glasses from his nose and ran away.

Samneric stood up. “Ok-that was- weird.”

Ralph looked around. “Anyone hurt?”

Piggy walked straight into a tree.

Chapter 11- The Conch Dust of Plans Gone Horribly Horribly Wrong

“They’ve blinded me!” Piggy yelled, “And more importantly, THEY’VE GOT MY INTELLIGENCE.” He stood up, crashed into one of the shelters and knocked it down. “We’ve got to get them back.”

“Isn’t that kind of suicide.” Ralph asked.

“W.W.S.D.?” Piggy muttered.

“Huh?” Asked Samneric.

“What would Simon do?”

Ralph blinked. “You’re right. I guess that is a good plan.”

Piggy nodded. “You’ll have to lead me, but I want to take the conch of power.”

Ralph frowned. “I hope you realize it’s only the Conch of purely sentimental value now.”

“Whatever. I’m not that smart without my glasses.”

So they went to the Camp of Homicidal Loonies. “Give me back my specs!” Piggy yelled at the gate.

Roger who was manning it through a rock at him. But this was different. This was a really big-CENSORED rock and it was more rolled at him.

And it hit Piggy right in the stomach and he fell off a cliff, his intelligence splattering all over a red rock. The Conch of purely sentimental values crashed next to him, thus becoming the conch dust of plans gone horribly horribly wrong. The sea ate them.

Ralph looked at the scene in dismay and started yelling at Jack who had appeared at the entrance to the caves. “You CENSOREDing CENSORED. You broke the conch!”

The conch seemed to have more sentimental value to him then Piggy.

Jack grinned savagely. “Now I break you.”

Samneric were screaming. They were surrounded by savages.

Ralph noticed that he had no prayer of winning the fight so he ran away like a sissy boy.

Chapter 12- Dire straights

Ralph wondered alone in the forest for quite a long time. He was hiding because Jack and his posse of homicidal savages wanted to kill him. Which would be bad. He vaguely wondered if that was a sign of affection. He remembered people hitting him affectionately back at home, a friendly punch on the arm. Somehow he didn’t think a spear through the stomach was friendly. He ran into Samneric.

“They want to kill you.” They said. “They’ve got pointy sticks.”

“You won’t tell them where I am?” Croaked Ralph.

“’Course not.”

But they went back to camp, were tortured by Roger!the!Sadist and they told.

The savages started to burn things since they wanted to smoke Ralph out. He charged them, hoping to break free but he tripped, fell and knocked himself out.

When he woke up, there was an adult looking at him. “Hey kids! I seen your smoke.”

Ralph couldn’t help but grin smugly.

“What are you playing war or something. ‘Cause you know we’ve got one of those going on in the real world. Anyone get killed?”

“Only two.” Ralph muttered. “And maybe that birthmark kid… and the pilot… and what the CENSORED happened to Bill?”

The officer raised an eyebrow and suddenly everyone started to cry. He turned away to let them get themselves together… which turned out to be a huge mistake because people just don’t go from homicidal maniacs to sobbing little boys in no time. Jack grabbed his pointy stick and rammed it through the officer before turning and grinning feraly at Ralph. “Now where were we.”

Simon who was just about to have his second coming (it’d been three days. Hello.) watched this from the water. “You know. It’s just not worth it.” He turned away and left the savages alone.


1- What is the significance of Jimbo the Macrocosm?

2- Is Simon a Christ figure?

3- Why must they dance?

4- Do you believe that there’s a pig’s head on a stick in all of us? Explain.





This has been an Insane Troll Logic presentation. The author wishes to apologize for changing the ending, but she maintains that her’s is better. P.

(no subject)

7/9/08 17:53 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
fucking HILARIOUS!

(no subject)

7/9/08 22:27 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
oh and i also forgot to mention. this is really gonna make me sound smart in english. yep :P

(no subject)

7/9/08 22:31 (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]

That was definitely the reason I wrote this: a study guide for English. Happy to be of service.